of memories long forgotten

It is strange how memories that you didn’t think you had sneak up on you all of a sudden and make you weep, weep, weep for hours.

You don’t know what to do with them; you have this whole psycho side to your personality and you never knew why, but it all suddenly makes sense.

A quaint little Sarojini Nagar house on the ground floor with a big-ass teakwood dining table and yellowish-white curtains. A seven-year old version of you lying on the floor, naked. Your twelve year old cousin grinning as he watches his brother fuck you. Your eye focused on the blue-white hawaii chappal under the dining table.

The crying after, the pain, the horror of it all. No wonder your seven-year old brain blocks it out.

Years later, the memory just comes flooding back on a lazy Sunday morning as you’re sipping chai that your cousin just brought you and your eye wanders to a hawaii chappal under the dining table. That dining table.

And what do you do? Start blogging about it. Anonymously.

The chai just sits there in the mug long after you’ve left.



of my bucket list

Ever since Anawnimister and I got together, I haven’t shopped alone, which I really used to enjoy when I was married. With him, things are different. We do things together. I know how sappy that sounds. That’s because it is.

Anyway, he needed to go out of town for the weekend for work, it seemed like the opportunity of a lifetime. I stayed up all night, went to sleep at 7 am, woke up at 1 pm, ate junk food and stepped out of the house. I also made plans with the only girlfriend I have, and as with all other plans, something really good came out of it.

*wink wink nudge nudge*

Anyway. Shopping alone was really boring. I missed the banter, the pointing and laughing, the two seconds of serious thought that goes behind every purchase.

So  when I called the mister and told him how all that went, he said I should write down all the things I want to do in this lifetime, and he would make sure I get to do all of them, regardless of my marital status.

Aaaaand that was when I drew up the following list:

Things to do:

  1. Go to a bar alone, flirt with strangers, let them buy me drinks. Dance and generally have a good time (which I have done before, but I’d like to do it again anyway, this time without feeling like I’m cheating.
  2. Group-stalk someone with the complete paraphernalia, like night vision goggles and walkie talkies. Learn from my stalker and leave bordering-on-creepy notes  without getting caught at stakeouts. Volunteers invited. (Aussa, you listening?)
  3. Study something fancy in the US and find a waitressing job or work at a gas station like everyone does in the movies. Then come back to India and get a high-paying job.
  4. Travel a lot. Get a whole lot of stamps on the passport. For each country I visit,  get a new tattoo on the back. Flags, maybe.
  5. Go camping all alone.
  6. Blow up an entire month’s salary on shopping without feeling guilty. If I get to do #3, I’m sure this won’t be a problem.
  7. Learn at least three dance forms.
  8. Learn to kick ass at fencing.
  9. Work at a garage. Learn to fix a motorcycle.
  10. Have a kitchen garden and grow food and flowers. (Michelle, care to help with this one?)

I’m quite convinced I ought to put more stuff on the list while I can, but have run out of ideas. Any other suggestions before I hand this over to the mister?

Photo Credit: Steven Ng

of nocturnal adventures

It’s 4:15 am and I’m wide awake because the fiance is away for work this weekend and I have gotten used to sleeping wrapped up in him. I was restless all day and basically spent all my time watching Dexter again (all of season 1). When I got dizzy from all the watching, I decided to catch up with one of the girls in my large circle of friends. Let’s call her Giggles, coz you know, she giggles a lot. She’s my only friend who giggles. The rest of my friends are called Fartsypants and Booyarang. There’s perfectly valid reasons behind those names. I swear.

But I digress. I have to talk about Giggles.

You see, G is a fun girl. She went on a trip to Amritsar all by herself. She is learning to dance. She is learning to play the guitar. She quit a well-paying easy-peasy job to work for a startup so she could learn more. And she’s open about sex and masturbation. See where I’m going with this? She does all the things that I have on my to-do-while-you’re-still-single list. I have been single for three years now, and all I have been able to accomplish is dancing with a stranger. And he wasn’t even a stranger.

Anyway. G was finally getting tired of  her work-from-home job, and was super excited when a consultant asked for her profile. G complied and clearly specified the kind of job she was looking for. Over a few email exchanges and gtalk sessions, the two girls really bonded. The consultant became more and more friendly, and at some point they had a conversation like this:

Consultant: Hey, I think you’re nice coz you share your name with my bestie.

Giggles: *giggles* Really? Awww….. how sweeet! Now I know that my profile will get special attention from you!!!!!

Consultant: You betcha! My friend studied at <some inconsequential college>. Where did you study.

Giggles: *Bitch please. you have my resume* I studied <degree> at <college name> and  started working at <resume summary>. <Now it’s only polite to ask you the same question so> what about you?

Consultant: You know I worked with a bank for 7 years but now I’m a model and air hostess and even though a lot of air hostesses get banged by pilots, I only gave in once. Oh, and I’m also a consultant.

Giggles: *gasp!* <awkward silence>

Consultant (?): Uh oh! I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Maybe it’s coz you have the same name as my best friend *swoon*. Please don’t judge me!

Giggles: Awww, you inappropriate creepy girl! I can totally kick your ass now, but let me keep being nice to you. You know, just for fun!

Consultant (?): I don’t wanna spoil you. You’re not like Delhi girls. Delhi girls are whores. How old are you btw? Can you send me some of your pics?

Giggles:  Oh, but who says I’m not already spoiled?

Consultant (?): Talking of spoiled, let’s talk about food. I like food. Especially when it’s dirty. I like eating. Men. Do you?

Giggles: Hey, I lived in a girls’ hostel so I didn’t get to eat men. I had to make do with women.

Consultant (?): Awesomesauce. Let’s talk about that in detail.

Let’s just say at this point, Giggles decided to play along and a lot of hanky was pankied. After a four-hour session of steamy sexting, she called it a night. A week later, the creepy consultant pinged her again from “Bang cock.” (That’s how she spelled it. I swear!) In Giggles’ own words, “Dude… she wanted to take me out… watch me sway to music.. wants to force me while we are in a mall… N then take me home n tongue fuck all night…”

That creeped giggles out, and she stopped responding. Then the creepy consultant stalked the shit out of her email and Facebook. Giggles gave me the dirty details today, which I hope I’ll be able to post here later. What fun!

Have you ever played along with someone like this, knowing that it might actually be a scam? Have you ever lied to people for cyber-sex?

of an unsent love letter

Was cleaning up my mailbox today, and found this email addressed to the fiance a long long time ago when we were “just friends”, saved in the Drafts folder in case I ever gathered the courage to click Send.

Made me smile!

I don’t know if I will ever send this to you, but maybe just writing all this down will make me feel better.

Yesterday when those two were walking together holding hands, it sucked that we couldn’t. It felt so unnatural to be walking as ‘just friends’ when we already know that’s not what we are. And after I got home, I was so miserable that you didn’t drop me, but it had to be done. And I couldn’t sleep all night just thinking about how you had looked at me as I stood by the printer. 

I was also thinking about the things I love about you. Here’s a list:

1. You’re funny. 
2. People are always either talking to you or about you.
3. You go all ‘awwww’ when I tell you about my childhood. That I find very cute.
4. You contradict yourself all the time, but look surprised every time I do the same thing. 
5. You have no idea how well you know me. 
6. Things I never will admit to myself, I will admit to you. And I am never embarrassed.
7. You are kind to other people. I really like that.
8. That grin on your face. It’s super cute!
9. The whole jealousy angle. I love it when you look at S with a scowl on your face. You can’t hide it from me :)
10. You make me feel safe. I know I can just let things be and you’ll take care of everything.

Anyway. I should get back to work.