of nasty things, like sex and masturbation

I had a gynae visit this morning. I needed to get a check up, you know, down there.

Don’t get me wrong. I am capable of saying vagina without bursting into flames. Even in front of men. Let’s face it, men spend nine months struggling out to come out from and the rest of their lives struggling to get back into the vagina.

I’m saying down there because that’s what the gynae called it today. It was a little funny, coz well, she is a gynecologist and is supposed to say vagina. It’s textbook. But she chose to use the word intercourse instead of sex. As if using a clinical word will make it less raunchy. Less dirty.

I wonder how she would react if I had said masturbation. She would pakka have fainted.

Such is the state of affairs in India. Women can’t have sex before they’re married. Living in with someone makes you a whore. If you’re divorced, it must be because you were having sex with someone else. Because sex is bad. Masturbation is worse. You know what, this bothers me. I did mention this briefly earlier, but I think this issue deserves a full-blown post.

Sex is natural. So is masturbation. And no, masturbation is not only for people who aren’t getting any. Actually, masturbation is important because it teaches you what you want. Sex is an acquired skill, much like playing an instrument or learning to dance. Can you hope to master bharatnatyam without learning to use your hands properly? Nahin, na? Why should sex be treated any differently?

Things are far more difficult for women than for men, at least in my country. Men learn early on what to do with their penises. They look down, and there it is! All they have to do it play with it. Women can’t even see their parts! And the first time I took a peek at what’s down there was in college. I had recently finished reading Beloved, and there’s a small para in it about the vagina being like a rose. I got curious and bought a small hairbrush with a mirror. I waited for mom to leave, locked all doors and then looked at myself. I was so sure I had done something wrong; I didn’t tell anyone. Not even my sister. Yes, I was in college at the time.

Men talk about masturbation all the time, even though the most they’ll say is, I just went home and had a wank, but they always say it jokingly, so people don’t really know it’s true. Women don’t talk about masturbation at all, which is strange, because they talk about all the other things that give them a high: shopping, chocolate, and alcohol.

So this post is essentially for women, especially Indian women. I have to talk to you about masturbation. Yes, you! No no, stop being embarrassed. Okay, let me put it this way. You hope to have sex some day, right? Think of masturbation like field research. All girls should do it. Even good girls! Having sex or talking about it does not automatically make you a slut.

Think about it:

• Masturbation feels great. If you’ve ever had an orgasm, you know that it can release tension and free you from inhibitions. You can rediscover your body, identify your basic sexual needs, and learn to satisfy them. So there. Stressed out because of your job? Afraid you won’t pass an exam? Worried about being paraded in front of people during arranged-marriage-family-meetings? Masturbate. It will ease out the tension. And maybe your skin will glow.
• No, seriously. It helps with the skin! Masturbation is a free beauty treatment and a treat!
• Also, imagine no more lying on your back and staring at the ceiling fan waiting for it to be over. You can participate. You know you’re allowed to, right? You can tell your guy what you want him to do. No, not in the kitchen. Or wait. Maybe even the kitchen. The truth is, men like it when women tell them what they want.
• Having trouble sleeping? Try touching yourself down there. One orgasm and you’re good to go. It is truly liberating. Ask your girlfriends.
• You have control over your own body and can do what you like with it. You no longer have to depend on someone else for your sexual needs. It also works the other way, btw. You can happily concentrate on own pleasure instead of having to focus on your partner’s needs.
• The more you masturbate, the more sexually aware your senses become and the more orgasms you have. This, my dear, is a short cut to a happy sex married sex life.
• Being in touch with your sexuality can help you separate love from sex. It makes you capable of distinguishing between sexual relations from love-affairs. If you’re single, it stops you from sleeping with the first guy you meet. No, love is not equal to sex. And no, having an orgasm is not the same as being in love. And no, if the guy gives you an orgasm, it does not mean that destiny has brought you together.
• It is one hundred percent safe and you can do it anywhere!

Understand this now, if you find yourself shaking your head in disbelief or feeling dirty for having read a nasty post, give up now on a fulfilling sex life. Trust me, if you can’t learn how to excite yourself, there’s no way in hell you’re going to be able to tell your partner what to do.

And while you wonder if you should try masturbation, I’m gonna go and take a little break, if you know what I mean! 😉