of betrayal

Memories of abuse that I couldn’t deal with made me start this blog exactly a year ago, and I thought that it was only fit that I end the year by talking about this episode that left me emotionally crippled. For the longest time I put off writing about this, but I also know that if I don’t get it out now, I never will.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for all the love.

 


 

Ana?

S! How are you!

The words had barely escaped my lips when he consumed me in a giant bear hug. God, I haven’t seen you in years! How are you?

Asphyxiated, I wanted to say. But I said engaged, just to see how he would react. I thought I saw a flicker of emotion in his intense brown eyes and a bead of sweat on his forehead. Was he this short back then?

That’s great news! Tell me all about the lucky guy! 

I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t pass up that opportunity to rub my awesomeness in his face. Let him realize he misses what he was too chicken to claim. I went on and on as he sipped his coffee. He was awfully quiet, and I was insanely happy about that.

Does he like to dance, he finally asked.

So you remember my checklist! Yes. He dances really well. And he cooks and is very patient. He never gets angry. He’s perfect! 

He was obviously jealous. Have you guys had sex yet? Or are you still waiting for the right guy?

Actually, yes, I said. And then I realized I shouldn’t have.

After a moment of awkward silence, I got up, saying I had to go to work, and he asked if I was still working in Gurgaon. Yes, I said again, surprised that he remembered that little detail about me. We hadn’t been in touch for two years save one birthday phone call.

He told me he was headed home (which was in Gurgaon), and that he could drop me to work. I was about to say no, thanks, my shift doesn’t start until 5 pm and I’ll take the cab, but he mentioned his bike, and my face lit up like a fucking house on Diwali (yes, I know I’ve said that before, but in an entirely different context – my face was on fire that night).

I agreed to go with him to Gurgaon. I just have to go home and change. That way I can just go to office right after I drop you.

Sure!

Big mistake.

An hour later, I was at his house, sprawled on his bed like a dirty bed cover. And there he was, sitting on my chest, his knees holding my arms down, his crotch dangerously close to my face. All I could hear was the thumping of my heart and a few incoherent words.

You bitch! How could you let him touch you!

Then I felt his hands on my crotch. Did he touch you like this? What else did he do to you?

Let me go. Please! My head reeled as he moved his unwanted fingers all over my body. I tried to cry but the tears just wouldn’t come. I trusted you, S. Why are you doing this to me?

I loved you, you cunt, and you never once let me touch you. 

I knew it was true. He and I had become friends after I bumped into him at the graduation party. We had hung out at his place many times, and had developed some sort of feelings for each other. I knew he liked me, but I also knew he had a girlfriend back in Kanpur. His face came very close to mine one day, and I asked if he intended to marry me.

Sure. But there was a hint of hesitation in his voice that I couldn’t ignore.

And now, there he was, trying to rape me. Take what I wasn’t willing to give him readily – not then, not now. I had to do something.

I didn’t even know you loved me… you never said anything, I said as he unbuttoned my jeans with one dexterous move. Carefully, slowly, I whispered the words I loved you too, but you never said anything!

As expected, he paused. You’re at an advantage when you know your potential rapist.

I tried to tell you that day, but I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t know how you would react! I felt ashamed of myself for being such a lying, conniving, manipulative bitch, but it was me or him, and I chose me.

He eased his weight off my body and slowly got up, sobbing.

I got off the bed, hugged him, and wiped his tears. You can’t marry that guy, he said.

We need to talk about this S., but first you need to calm down. Go, wash your face.

As soon as he entered the washroom, I sprang off the bed and bolted the door from outside. I picked up my bag as he pounded on the door, demanding that I unlock it, or else.

I slipped on the stairs, twice. I called the first friend I could think of who lived in Gurgaon.

I said in as calm a voice as I could: Listen, I need help. S. tried to rape me, and I ran away. I don’t know where I am, but I can’t be far from his house. Can you pick me up?

He found me under a tree, sitting quietly, staring at the road.

Oh my god, are you okay? What happened?

Nothing. I’m fine.

He took me to the nearest coffee shop and we sat down, and I told him everything. But the tears wouldn’t come.

That bastard. Promise me you’ll never speak to him again.

My phone rang. It’s him.

I didn’t answer. My phone rang again and again. I didn’t answer.

Then, a message. I’m looking for you so I can drop you to office. Answer your phone, goddammit!

Leave me alone is all I could type.

I couldn’t go to office. I called in sick and went to my future (now ex) husband’s office. One look at me and he knew something was wrong. What happened Ana, he asked.

I told him. I saw anger in his otherwise passive eyes – I saw him tremble with rage. Give me his phone number is all he said. I handed him my phone.

And then I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.

 

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

38 thoughts on “of betrayal”

  1. His sense of entitlement angers me beyond belief. And then to call and say he had to take you to work after he tried to rape you – there’s no way he knows that he was so wrong that in some societies he could be put to death for his actions. And to my mind he should be. (here in Canada he would get a number of years in prison although if the person being raped killed the rapist in the process there would likely be no charges.) What did your fiance say afterwards to S?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. S. disappeared for a week and returned to his office with bruises and a broken arm. He said it was an accident and that he fell off his bike. I assumed that my fiance was responsible, but years later I found out he had done nothing and that it was really just an accident.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t even imagine how scary this must have been…then, to have the quick-thinking faculties to thwart it. You’re a survivor, my friend. Wishing you everything that is love and happiness for you. xo

    Like

    1. Thanks Michelle.
      Months after this happened, I’d stay up nights wondering if he would’ve gone through with it if I hadn’t manipulated him. For years I felt guilty for allowing this to happen, which may be why I never wanted to complete this post. But today, as soon as I hit the publish button, I felt lighter and freer.

      And you know what, I do feel loved and happy and content – and I owe some of it to you. Thank you for being around. Even though we’ve never actually met, it feels like we could’ve been sisters. Love you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my goodness…”allowing this to happen.” How sad that you, as the victim–the abused, would ever believe that to be true. It’s your own strength that brought you through and I’m so honored to think of us as sisters (yes, I DO believe in that sort of stuff!).
        This also resonated with me because I could see it happen to me so easily in other situations I’d been in as well.
        I’m glad that you hit the publish button and that it’s given you liberation and lightness.
        You seriously just made my day with your kind words. Love you, too! xo

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You’re a sweetheart, Michelle!

          Most women who grew up in India would agree that pretty much that happens to us is our fault – we’re either not dressed properly or behaving indecently or something else. So victim blaming is in our blood. “Guilty” is our default setting.

          Of course I don’t think that way now, but it’s taken a long time to stop feeling responsible for everything that happens. Part of me believes that things like this had to happen for me to finally learn to defy social conventions and pursue my own happiness, and I’m thankful for all these lessons.

          Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Rob. Now that I look back, I feel like I should’ve taken legal action. I guess I was afraid of being told it was my fault; I knew for sure my family would disown me if they found out I had been alone in a house with a male friend.

      Maybe the broken arm was nature’s way of punishing him for what he did to me.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Something far more painful should have been broken, or maybe snipped off to forever remind him of his actions. I don’t like to sound so severe, but rape and murder are crimes against humanity IMO. The only positive I see in this episode is that it inspired you to blog, and we got to meet you.

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  3. Wow..first off that was a very distrubing read. Second off kudos to you for thinking on your feet.
    Thirdly I wish your fiance had broken his arm and another appendage not worth mentioning.
    How dare he think its ok ?
    It is this male entitlement shiite that gets me so hopping mad!
    I am sad that you feel you manipulated him, WTH? Lady this guy was getting ready to rape you.
    Excuse me, I think manipulating him is an easier option than going Bobbit him.
    Maybe you can inspire other people who have been abused to stand up and walk head held high.
    your family would disown you for filing a casse against a criminal, then they are just as criminal as him. I always believe if good people dont stand up for whats wrong, people like SN in this case go doing what they think is ok? I mean he seriously is a sociopath to text and say he will drop you to work, like nothing happened. Hello Jeffrey Dahmer.
    More power to you.
    Hugs
    Ari

    Like

    1. To be honest, to this day I don’t know if he was actually going to follow through. I am just glad I didn’t have to find out.
      My family like any other middle class Indian family, just didn’t know any better. In fact ,if l were to tell them this story even today, I think they might still question my motives in wanting to hang out with a male friend – they will see it as asking for trouble. It’s no surprise then that I don’t get along with them that much!

      My ex-husband – well he was a good man but a very passive man. He and I didn’t see eye to eye on such matters. That is why he is my ex-husband. 🙂

      Like

  4. of your iniquity i am impressed but not only by your quick minded use of this the door lock. Instead of your large network of friends who you have built such trust and love with that they can come to you in your time of need. You are loved and from here I can see why. Thank you for sharing the events of trauma that you have had. I hope that in sharing them you find the relief you seek.

    Love
    Dave

    Like

    1. Actually, Dave, I have. This blog started only as a means to talk about things I wanted to say but couldn’t for fear of being judged. But now, I realize it is much more than just an outlet. It has made it possible for me to connect with other people just like me; it has given me the courage to talk about things openly with my family. I am not alone, and I am loved very much, and starting this blog is what made me realize that. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. One who loves you cannot harm you. This guy tried to rape you, you sure are lucky and smart to be out of there and don’t ever look back. Just move on like you have and continue writing with all this passion, love to read it.

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  6. I just had to first absorb the fact that this actually happened to you. I must say a great presence of mind. And about your ex, he did not take any action…wow isn’t that great! And how do people expect them to be heard without saying anything…and really disgusted by his sense of entitlement…stay blessed dear, stay safe.

    Like

    1. Thanks Datta.
      It took me a while to be angry at S. because I was so angry at myself for being led into a trap. And for years I believed that my (ex) husband had had something to do with the broken arm. When he told me he didn’t, I still kept telling myself he was lying to me to protect me. I was in denial.

      But now I see things for what they are. I know S. was a jerk, and my ex was passive, and it’s finally okay. I;m no longer judging myself for the actions of others, and I am finally at peace. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. May be that broken arm was Divine Justice. Once it happened to me I had made out/spent the night without actual sex with a jerk and he tells all to my roomies, i never meant to disclose it and this guy was thinking of being my boyfriend and may be hubby. My roomies thought it to be a sin and uff the trouble I had explaining things which I hate to. anyway he had this big accident two days after all this fiasco.So, i kept on thinking “divine justice”

        Glad you are not blaming yourself for what others do. I stopped doing that years back. Super Glad that you found closures and are at peace now. For me It will never be peace. 🙂

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        1. At some point, Datta, you will find that there’s no more anger left in you for the people that betray you. Only pity. That’s when you’ll find peace.
          And trust me, sooner or later, that day will come. 🙂

          Like

      2. I typed something..deleted it ..typed.. deleted..typed deleted..I don’t know what to say. I just have tears in my eyes. And you were not being manipulative at all. You were just saving yourself from this animal which you have every right to do. In fact your presence of mind and courage is admirable.

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  7. What a horrible, horrible experience. I am so glad you got away, but I’m not really surprised. You are a very smart woman, and one who knew who was most important in that terrifying test, and you even rescued yourself. That is not easy, no matter how much most of think we could. I feel pride in you, although that may sound strange from someone you’ve never met, but you reinforce my instincts about you. You’ve lived through some of the worst of life and still here you are, sharing, teaching, and inspiring.

    Like

    1. Thanks Robyn. It’s not strange at all – I have shared more with you on this blog than I have with people I know in my real life. I also know that you and I are connected at a deeper, more meaningful level – there is a reason why we met. 🙂

      Also, at the cost of making this sound like a mutual admiration club, I must say that I am in awe of the way you’re going about life helping domestic abuse victims – you are a beautiful person, and I am privileged to know you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. this post! thank you.. dont really know wat to type as am so in shocked… it was just a week before that i have randomly read this post of urs.. but i dint really guess i would face it too! all the while i was molested, i only thought of u and what u did. the sentence which u have written above ‘you are at an advantage when you know your potential molester’ i used ur same trick ana, took the advantage of the soft moment and i escaped! in a fraction of a second to inform the neighbours.. thanks a lot to have unknowingly inspired me ana.. thank you again…

    Like

    1. Girl, you gave me goosebumps. I’m so thankful you’re safe, and that nothing untoward happened.
      I know that this can be a traumatic time for you. Do let me know if you ever feel the need to talk about it. I’m here for you.
      Also, I do hope that you will let your parents know and go to the police with this. He should not get away if you can help it.
      Take care.

      Like

  9. I felt the tears begin to sting the back of my eyes when you described him sitting on your chest with his knees on your arms, I was held in the same position when I was attacked. That was ten years ago…I didn’t realize my wound was so fresh!

    Like

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