of missing silver linings

Mister’s moved to Bangalore for the next three months, and I feel like my whole life is changing, which is funny, because I always thought that there were only two things that I would consider life-changing experiences: marrying again and being alive during a zombie apocalypse.

I was completely wrong on the first count. (The other remains to be seen, but I think someone stuck in a zombie apocalypse might need to be able to at least use hold lift tools and have some hand-eye coordination.)

When I married Mister, nothing changed. I am exactly who I was before I married him (which he jokes about often because I still have my ex-husband’s last name). I eat all the same stuff, I wear all the same stuff, I say the exact same things (such as – I do not recommend marriage to anybody even though it works for me because let’s face it, my life is exceptional).

Yet here I am, feeling like my life has changed overnight. 

It’s not like we haven’t ever been apart before. He has been away on business a couple of times, and so have I. But there was always the knowledge that it was going to be a temporary separation – at most a week.

But this time, according to his boss his trip might get extended to four months, and I am unable to cope with that might.

After I saw him off at the airport yesterday, I drove back feeling like I was the only zombie in a zombie apocalypse. People were honking, cursing, overtaking – while I was just sulking and mechanically moving my feet on the holy Accelerator-Brake-Clutch trinity.

I spent most of the evening alone, locked up in my room, trying to tune out the silence. Next to me lay an unopened Canon 600D package that had been delivered in the morning, something I had been excited about for weeks, but I couldn’t even get myself to open it.

After a while I turned to the only thing that helped deal with the loneliness and the silence when I was married to my ex-husband – Heroes. it used to make me want to be more – it made me feel like maybe there was some purpose to my life after all. It chased the silence away.

So I put on the first episode, hoping that it would make me feel better, but I could comprehend nothing. And the silence was still there. Had Mister been home, he’d be watching it with me, his head in my lap. And there would’ve been quips about how Mohinder is a Punjabi name but the character seems South Indian. He would’ve found at least one fault with every single character.

I lost track. Then I decided to write. I sat for a while with the New Post page up on my screen, and my finger poised mid-air for the longest time. I couldn’t even write!

I just kept nibbling on whatever I could find and waiting for Mister’s flight to land so I could hear his voice again.

When he finally called, the distant-ness of his voice left me feeling worse than before. I just wanted to hang up. Has that ever happened to you? When you know something is inevitable, do you wish it would happen sooner rather than later?

Today, I’m at work, feeling like I’m socially and emotionally crippled. I am snapping at everything that moves and dropping/slamming/throwing everything that doesn’t.

I generally am an advocate of things can only get better from here, but today I just can’t see the silver lining – just a really dark cloud looming over my head. It feels like one of my body parts is missing and I can’t do a damn thing about it. 

Have you ever felt this way about someone? Do changes ever make you feel like your whole life has come to a standstill? Do you think I’m crazy and completely overreacting? Is it unnatural for me to feel this way?

 

 

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

33 thoughts on “of missing silver linings”

  1. Dear A,
    My heart aches for you girlie. Of course this is normal! You are not overacting! You feel this way because you love and adore your man…loving someone that much hurts. I’d be beside myself too. At the risk of sounding cheesy, Winnie the Pooh quotes keep popping into my head as I think about your sad eyes.

    “Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.”
    “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

    You have a new camera. Pull it out and start snapping. I know…I know…probably lots of technical things to learn, but you can’t hurt anything by snapping photos. Sometimes it’s exhausting to rely on words at times like these…try using your camera to put those pieces of your heart back together.
    {{HUGS}}

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s the way it goes Ana. After many years together, you will be able to sense/feel him with you whether he is on the same couch or in another country. Reach out with your mind and you’ll find him. It takes some practice and it isn’t fun to learn (because you want him close) but it works with practice. And it’s not a stopgap, it’s growth – you get bigger. There is no doubt in my mind that you have the skill and desire to make it so.

    Touching post Ana.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make it sound easy, Paul. This has got to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. 😦
      But I will stop whining now and believe that it is possible to do what you say – be able to sense him and reach out to him no matter where he is. If I can learn to do that, I think I will survive!

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      1. Oh you can do it. Much like building muscles, it takes practice and hurts at first – that just means you are stretching yourself. When you get enough experience you can actaully feel his emotional state -.i.e. happy or sad or afraid, etc. Believe that he is there in a plane where you can reach him, regardless of where he is in or off the world (in case he is an astronaut – Ha!). You can do it and it is real. It is fun to go back and forth with him , say, on the phone – a sort fo how was your day conversation, then match it with what you have felt. The practice will get you better and better as time goes on. Like building muscles it is a long term effort that takes time, but you will see the results quickly.

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          1. This is one of those areas of human activities where we actually create the reality – it is up to us. So, if you believe , then you will. No need to doubt or to think, simply believng will do it. And I really mean “do it” – that is to say if you talk to Mister, you will find that you are actually feeling what he is feeling even when he is far away. We have that ability, we need only reach out and tap it.

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  3. If that were me and I didn’t feel the way that you did right now, it would mean that I wasn’t in love. I think that you’re in love and it hurts to be separated, even for a short time. Can you make a long weekend and go visit him? That would be very exciting for the both of you.

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    1. I am hoping to visit him in December for a couple of weeks, but let’s see how that goes. It all depends on how busy he is – and he seems to have the weight of the whole world on his shoulders right now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, I’ve felt it before. Simba had to go to Mumbai for two months, right after marriage and mind you, this was not planned. It just happened. And here I was, in his home, with his mom for the whole freaking day because I had chosen to resume work after 2 months of marriage to enjoy my first days with him. The whole week, I used to wait for weekends, because he used to return over weekends to make me smile 🙂 I felt like a Zombie too! Gosh, even as I write it, my hands are shaking! Hugs to you! And yes, indulge yourself in photography for these months. I wish I could say it gets easier. I hope it does!

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    1. When I was with my ex-husband, I had all the space I needed, and more. So I didn’t realize when we grew apart and space turned into distance. But with Mister, I have had no time away at all – and I just realized I don’t want any.
      It feels strange, depending this much on one person! Makes me feel better to know that it’s normal to feel this distraught. Phew!
      And YES to photography. I unpacked my camera and enrolled in the Daily Post’s Photo 101 course. I feel like such a trooper!

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  5. I felt like this when my husband left on a business trip for a month right after my second was born. I’m pretty sure it is normal. Or, we are both weird. Or it is a sign of the coming zombie apocalypse. 😉
    Hang in there!

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  6. Hey, have been reading you for some time now….amazing you are.
    And this feeling like a zombie thing, i thought i was the only one…although i get to be with him for only a week or so before he is gone again for a month or two. and the feeling is exactly the same everytime…gosh…counting down days again…i feel you…

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      1. maybe because its d first time you r feeling like this…. but i guess remembering the good times as well as daydreaming ab’t when u’ll be together helps :-)…….at least it helps me. it makes me feel his presence like Paul said above.

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  7. I read this and my first thought was ‘she is me’.Same feelings.Diwali ruined.Feeling like I lost a limb.Hubby is in Bangalore while I am waiting to join him.Feeling awful.

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