of malice

At first I decided not to write about this; to not tell you what happened tonight. But I’ve come to depend on this sharing. When I can’t figure out how I’m feeling, writing to you seems to be my only way out. So here goes.

Much against Mister’s advice, I went out dancing, alone. We fought about it – he was concerned about my safety and I was concerned about my mental health. I haven’t done anything other than work-sleep-work for the last two weeks and I’ve had it. My life is a fucking nightclub, and I’m starting to feel out of place. Again.

I’d have let it go, but today was one of those days when I just couldn’t bear being indoors anymore; I couldn’t bear being the. weaker sex. It felt like I was dissolving into the shadows little by little – becoming nothing in his absence. Like I didn’t exist as an individual. Who says good girls can’t go dancing alone?

So I went to that club to sit in that stool by the bar. And secretly, to see if A. was going to be there. I hadn’t met him since he told me he was in love with me. After what happened last time, would he even acknowledge my presence?

Maybe not. But somehow, I needed to know tonight – I needed to know that I owned his heart. It’s not like I wanted to act on it, but I have been attracted to him for a long time, and I needed to know he was still in love with me. Does that make sense?

To be honest, I wasn’t sure whether to go in, so I stood outside for a few minutes, trying to make up my mind.

Another couple that frequents the place dragged me inside, and A. was the first thing I saw.

But he was wrapped in a pair of arms – and those arms belonged to someone I know intimately. Someone who knows about my history with A and how I feel about him. They were swaying to a song. My song. And when I asked Giggles to meet me today, she told me she was busy with work.

How long has she been lying to me for?

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

18 thoughts on “of malice”

  1. Since you are not taking my calls nor replying to my texts, are you expecting to sort it out on this blog?!?!?! Take my call and let’s clear this out!

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  2. At least talk to giggles and remember you are married – she has done nothing wrong except to be concerned with your heart. Your possessiveness is the problem here.

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    1. I totally agree with you Paul. How would the Mister feel if he read this? How would you feel if he went to validate some other gals feeling?

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      1. The thing is Ana is that she doesn’t report to you and is in no way interfering with your life. My guess is that she said nothing for fear of upsetting you. If she chooses to go out with A, why should she have to tell you? If you are going to insist that she is required because she is your friend – then why did you not hold A to the same level of responsibility? When A and Giggles are together, why is it OK for A to remain quiet but not Giggles?

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        1. A is not my friend; I know him only socially. Giggles, on the other hand, is a dear friend – therefore she is expected to tell me the truth no matter how harsh it is. (If A and I were friends, I’d expect no less from him, I assure you!)
          I don’t care if they are seeing each other (they’re not) because it’s not like I want to be with him. Had it not been Giggles, it would’ve been someone else with him that night. I was only taken aback because I sure as hell didn’t expect it to be her!

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        2. Thanks Paul! I have been trying to avoid talking about our ‘fight’ on this post, because anonymity or not, this still feels like a public discussion of a private matter. But I see and am glad that perhaps others can also see my point of view.

          Like you said, I am not really obliged to share every bit of my life and emotions with Ana. Having said that, I do enjoy sharing my life stories with her and truly value her opinion as a friend. I might not have told her about meeting this guy that night, but she didn’t even wait for the next day to see if I would have talked to her about him(who is not even that big a deal, by the way). And that she chose this medium to resolve the issue pains me even more so.

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          1. She’s sensitive because Mister is gone for a while. From what both of you say, your friendship is valuable and it would be so sad if a misstep or misunderstanding should damage such a good friendship.

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  3. I kind of agree with Paul. You are happily married to the mister, why would you care if A is with anyone? I do understand why you are hurt, if giggles was a true friend, she would have told you about her and A.

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  4. I know exactly how that feels and it isn’t fun. Your heart falls out of your ass. You are entitled to your feelings and shouldn’t have to keep explaining and defending them. I know this was a few days ago and things are probably sorted by now, but I just wanted to give you a little support from someone who has been there.{{HUGS}}

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