of questions

Because I’m attracted to you, he said.

As I tried to make sense of what he had just said, one of his hands found its way around my waist for the briefest moment and his face came really close to mine, and it felt like my skin was on fire. I withdrew, and then realized my skin wanted to be on fire.

And what did I do? Punched him in the face. Not because he was attracted to me – I already knew that – but because his saying it aloud meant I’d have to end it with him.

That, my friend, is the kind of chemistry I had to walk away from that night. It wasn’t easy, but I have never wanted a relationship with A – I am already in one with Mister. And btw, A knew too that nothing would come of our little game. It’s not like he has been pining for me – he goes home with a different girl every night anyway. I am just someone he can’t have and therefore, wants.

Are you familiar with the exhilaration that flirtation gives you; the gentle tug of anticipation and the endless possibilities? The joys of not knowing? The guilty pleasure that only comes from knowing that someone wants you desperately?

That night, when I went to A’s club to see what he was up to, I was looking for the same thrill. I needed to remember how it felt to be desired. A’s being “in love” with me is exciting and flattering, and I needed to feel the temptation again. I sought nothing else; I did not go there to cheat on Mister, and you know that.

Why, then did I need to be reminded of my marital status?

Does marriage turn people into asexual beings who don’t (or shouldn’t) care how people react to them? 

Do you not feel some sort of self-aggrandization when you indulge in harmless flirtation? Do you not feel this magnification of self-image when someone fawns over you?

What do you do when you learn that a good looking guy in your office/gym likes you? Do you not make an effort to dress better or behave better around them?

 

 

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

39 thoughts on “of questions”

      1. OK, I’m with Blog Woman on this one. I know the flirting and attraction are normal and they will happen whether you are married or not. The thing is, that sometimes this will lead further. It doesn’t take much – say you’re having a bad argument with Mr. and that will happen. There are moments in any marriage where all attraction and , it feels, even love is gone. I believe that is why “marriage” as such actualy exists – because we can’t adore each other all the time and we need a commitment to maintain the marriage until we do adore each other again. Until you get through a few of these, you don’t realize how tested you actually are.

        Anyway, there will also be times when Mr. is jealous, for whatever reason, maybe he is feeling down or he has heard a rumor or whatever. Then he will be very sensitive to external attractions, both of yours and his. And that could cause further damage.

        So, I guess what I am saying is that we don’t always control our own actions and the best way to stay on the straight and narrow is to avoid temptation. In Christianity, one of our most common prayers contains the words “Lord, lead us not unto temptation…”.. Ha! I like to finish that off with: I can find it easily myself.

        It is fine to dress up and feel attractive and flirt with strangers or in low danger situations — say the lunchroom or such. But I wouldn’t go close to or flirt with those to whom I am already attracted or feel comfortable with. You get used to doing that, held back only by your restraint and one day the restraint will be weak.

        The big lesson I found with maturity isn’t cutting down on flirting or feeling less attractive – it is accepting that I will not always control my actions, so I have to stay away from situations where I might misbehave if I’m weak at a particular moment.

        And i too broke up my marriage because I fell for another woman who wasn’t interested in me at all. Happens easy and happens regular, so be aware.

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        1. Sorry Paul, for taking this long to respond. I wanted to take it all in and think about it before I said anything. You’re right – I may be proud of my restraint right now but there’s no knowing when it may break, and temptation is best avoided.
          Thank you 🙂

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          1. Don’t sound so sad Ana. Ha! It is normal and desireable to flirt and it’s normal to want to look good. It’s just firting with those who you might sleep with if you weren’t married – that is the part that could be dangerous if restraint weakens. And that’s likely only a few. It’s easier there anyway because you can already feel their admiration without the flirting.

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  2. The temptation to be desired is like playing with fire, not that it is wrong in anyway. Somehow the image of married people to turn into zombies to others affection and into all time lovey dovey people only for their partners is kind of crappy.

    I think all of us like to be loved, to be desired, to be attracted and marital status has nothing to do with it, that is basic human tendency but what is also human tendency is to caution and look out for others, maybe that is what the other bloggers were doing on your previous posts..

    I think I understand your point, its not about someone else being desired by the one whom you liked, its the breaking of notions that you had with regards to your friend. Since it becomes automatically an expectation that just because I share details of my life, I would infact expect my friend to do the same. Both of you are right in your beliefs, maybe expectations do make relationships go haywire, but talk it out with her, explain her about your displeasure.

    I had a very similar experience a few years back, got cheated, with my best friend and she knew it for a year but never told me.That guy is now out of both of our lives and we are on talking terms but that bitterness will never go away…

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    1. Thanks Story Teller. The thing is, this post is not about Giggles or about A or about how I felt that night. This post is only about me and who I am as a person, and whether I’m doing something out of the ordinary by wanting to check if an old fling is still into me!

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      1. Ah, trust me its not out of the ordinary.
        Sorry have been stalking your blog since morning and sort of posted all my views on the previous ones together!

        You write amazingly well! New fan! 🙂

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  3. sexualization in the indian context is such a scary thing sometimes. personally, marriages seem like double-edged swords to me when it comes to physical intimacies. the warmth of familiarity vs the cold fish-ness (pardon the german) of predictability.

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  5. I think marriage *can* turn you into a-sexual beings, but it’s up to the couple to keep things interesting. I’ve seen harmless flirtation eventually break up marriages. Where are the start and stop lines to flirtation? It does do wonders for my confidence to know that people are still attracted to me, and that feeling is great. But I have to also know that I must keep it at a innocuous level if I am flirting or risk it proceeding to the next level.

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    1. Of course you have to know when to stop. I know too, and I wouldn’t jeopardize my relationship with Mister for anything in the world. But my question is, is it wrong to want people to be attracted to you just because you’re married? And to be honest, just feeling attractive helps me keep from being asexual!

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      1. I think that it’s fine to want people to find you attractive. In some ways it helps us keep us attractive to our spouses/significant others. I know that I feel better when I receive a compliment, rare as they’ve become. 😀

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  7. The need to be loved, liked and desired is very primal. Women dress up mostly for other women (straight women) there is nothing sexual, just a desire to be desirable.
    The problem with flirting is some people dont know where to stop. Switch the question around would you be ok, if Mister went and hit on other young women? would it A-OK?

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    1. I don’t think I’d be okay if Mister were to hit on other women, but I’d be completely okay with him flirting and women being attracted to him. Also, he knows everything about my life, including how A makes me feel. He’s okay with it too and frankly I see nothing wrong with it. And even if it were wrong, I just can’t understand what it has to do with marriage. Would it not still be wrong (or not wrong) if we weren’t married? That’s what got my goat!

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      1. Craving for attention and getting carried over by attraction and lust are symptoms of an immature mind. Realization eventually dawns, after a few hard knocks, dut it sure dawns, just as the morning sun.

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        1. I’m sorry, which of my questions are you answering here? Your comment merely reeks of judgment, which is okay too, coz well freedom of expression and all – but it’s not really adding value to the discussion at hand. Care to give it a thought and come back?

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      1. I think I realized that this story reminded me of a relationship that was disastrous, and dangerously so, but the pull of that attraction was more than I could overcome at the time. The price I paid was quite steep, but I did live to tell the tale – or part of it.

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          1. Well, that’s a big question there, alright. The passion was so compelling, but the cost… well now, I think, or rather I know that if I’d had any clue about the ending, I would run the other way.

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          2. Isn’t that true of a lot of the things we do in life? If I had known life would turn this way, I’d probably not do half the things I did!
            But then it wouldn’t have been this much fun either! 🙂

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  9. Hmm! Guess, it’s quite complex an emotion when we speak of attraction to someone and being in relationship with someone else. Honestly! I dunno. But, should one repress the feeling when the passion hits the octane level. On the flip side, getting carried away may also mean destroying not one but three lives. Difficult to say..hope I am not being preachy.
    But, just be yourself and follow ur heart coz this is what matters the most. Bless you and may you find love & happiness always.

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    1. No, you’re not being preachy at all – only saying what any sane person will in this situation. Thanks Vishal! I appreciate having you around to pep me up when I need it the most!

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  10. What a compelling post, A.
    It made me realize how asexual I can become. My husband will even point it out to me when he sees another man flirting. He appreciates that I’m so far from that place that he never worries, but he has also said that it’s okay to be noticed and he LIKES it when he sees men flirting with me. If anything, my job is such that I don’t have a lot of contact with other men on a regular basis. Meetings are short, unsustained and infrequent. Now, when I worked at the hospital, there was a hot chef who caught my eye. We never went past flirting, but I do remember that it actually made things a little more exciting at home. Perhaps it was a confidence factor?
    Oh my goodness…I may need to practice being more womanly…

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    1. Flirtation does make things exciting at home, right!? I think it definitely is the confidence that being appreciated gives you. And if being a little more womanly (I don’t like to call it that but I know what you mean :)) can get you there then so be it!

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  12. Firstly, i get what you mean !
    About the questions you asked, No. marriage doesn’t turn you asexual, infact Marriage has nothing to do with Sex . Its merely a social arrangement. Marriage or even commitment has nothing to do with your feelings. Feelings -there, thats the most Honest indicator /guideline in a relationship. Let me elucidate, I fancy a guy nd he reciprocates..good. in fact it feels great. but then my feelings for my husband will set in nd spoil the party..!! 🙂 if i m not overcome by those conflicting feelings then my love for my husband is over anyway ! Here comes the pickle though,unlike you i m totally fine with reverse case scenario too. Simply put, its totally fine for the relationship to flirt/like other people as long as you like/love each other more/better. I reckon it (this idea of a relationship) won’t be a walk in the park but who needs a park when the wildwoods are calling out for you !!

    Gosh, i sound like an unattached- out-there-eccentric person.Because, I’m none of those things . I m logical almost to a scientific level. That is all.

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    1. No, I don’t think you sound like an unattached or eccentric person – I definitely am okay with Mister indulging in mild flirtation and being hit on if he feels like it. What I’m not okay with perhaps is him pursuing someone actively. Coz like you said, it basically means the relationship is over!

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