of booby crap

This is so…

Awesome, right? I cut him short, swinging my legs up against the wall and resting my behind on the pillow. I’ve heard Madonna used to do headstands when she was trying to get pregnant.

Nope. I was going for awkward.

I frowned. You’re afraid that I’ll become obsessed with this.

Yup.

That’s not gonna happen.

It happened. For the next few days, I read every single website that answered the question how do I know if I’m pregnant. Every single website wanted me to wait until I missed a period, so I modified my search queries. What are the earliest discernible symptoms of pregnancy?

And the answers? Some women provided scientifically verifiable concrete evidence, such as I started having strange dreams and the sex that night felt different and I just knew this was it. Then there were some sites that talked about regular stuff like sore breasts, white vaginal discharge, giddiness, nausea, constant headaches, and lethargy.

I read each blog out to Mister (much against his wishes). He listened with the patience of a two year old. I gave up after two or three days.

Two weeks later, I woke up with a headache so bad I had to take the day off. Later that day, I realized I was leaking white stuff. I told Mister, and we discussed how it couldn’t be pregnancy so soon but secretly hoped it would be. We talked about taking a test, but decided to wait another three weeks just to be sure.

A couple of days later, my boobs were so sore, I wondered if I had sleepwalked into a 50 shades movie. I howled because of the pain every time I got up, sat down, walked or breathed. This went on for about a week. Each of these days I either cried myself to sleep or just passed out from all the pain.

One day, Mister couldn’t take it anymore and confronted me. Take the damn test already.

I shook my head. No, I want to wait until I get something concrete.

He looked irritated. You have something concrete. It’s tied to your breasts and makes you cry all night.

I want to wait until I miss my period or something.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

The very next morning I was sitting on the toilet seat, holding a pregnancy test I had just peed on. Mister knocked on the door. Baby, you’ve been in there a long time. You ok?

No.