Thank you, universe.

I didn’t know how he would react if I told him the truth. It’s a negative, I said, opening the door. Oh. He looked positively heartbroken. Are you sure?

I rolled my eyes, made my how stupid do I look face at him, and stepped out, proceeding to throw the stick into the bin. No! Don’t. You should give it a few minutes. Sometimes these tests take time.

Several eyerolls and maybe five minutes later, I told him it was still a negative.

But how can that be? What about all the symptoms?

I don’t know. Let’s not talk about this anymore. He looked really sad. I hadn’t realized that he wanted this baby so much. Hell, I didn’t realize I wanted this so much. My own words echoed in my ears: Is it strange to feel the loss of a love you never really had?

It took us a few hours to get back to being “normal” and just a few seconds to snap back out of it. Not because we were upset about what had happened, but because we were still excited about our future as parents.

We talked endlessly about the things we wanted to teach our kid. How to think, not what to think. Perseverance. Patience. Tolerance. Sensitivity. Kindness. All human beings are equal, equally deserving of love and compassion. That it is not ok to use words like “retarded” and “black” and “servant” casually in conversations; that these words are offensive and derogatory.

We’ll raise a happy, secure kid, won’t we? Our baby will go through none of the shit that I went through.

I shuddered, physically, thinking of some of the horrible stuff I have talked about before on this blog. And in that instant, I felt a physical manifestation of a pain that often tugs at my heart when I think about my childhood. Two seconds later, I realized it was my breasts hurting, not my heart. I let out a gasp.

What, are you still in pain?

The following week, none of my symptoms had dissipated. In fact, I felt giddy and nauseous when I woke up on at least two mornings. Needless to say, I didn’t wait to take another pregnancy test.

Another negative. But something’s not right. 

It sure as hell wasn’t. A blood test told me that I was definitely not pregnant. In fact, a visit to the gynae told me my symptoms could all be attributed to dysmenorrhea.


Let’s just call it an aggravated form of PMS.

Just what I needed. Thank you universe.

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31 thoughts on “Thank you, universe.”

  1. Yep, that is right the opposite of what you wanted… I remember when I wanted to get pregnant. There were many disappointing pregnancy tests altough I thought that all the symptoms were there. A confuion of my body after I stopped taking the pill. After 12 months it finally worked out although a first pregnancy test again was negative…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m disappointed, but I also know that this is just the beginning – and there will be many, many more tests before I finally see those two lines appear. I sometimes wonder if I read too much into the symptoms because I was Googling too much. 😦

      Liked by 3 people

      1. You definitely do… at least I did. I remember that when I realized not to be pregnant I always thought: “Oh no, another month of waiting…” When we want something so badly we are much more sensitive on everything. There is also this stupid paradox that the more we want something the more we block ourselves. Try to take it easy … I know easily said. I had to wait a year until I could finally let things go their way and booom it worked immediately.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. The thing is, I’m not generally an impatient person. It’s not even like I was even counting on it to happen. It’s just that the symptoms got me so wired! But I think I learned a new lesson in patience! 😀

          Liked by 3 people

      2. Hi there, I have been following your blog and nice sometime.
        From my personal experience, I would say it’s good to take things easy.. I was exactly in the same situation as you..reading a lot and even had the same symptoms that you mention..aand it turned out negative. .we then decided to forget all these and just go with the flow.. and then it happened.. I still had a negative two days after my missed periods..but ten days later, it turned positive. .so hang in there. .If not this time, there is always another time.. 🙂


        1. Hi Hindu! Did you have the exact same symptoms? The breast pain as well? A lot of women complain about it, and they say it’s almost a sure-shot sign of pregnancy. That’s what got me so hopeful, you know!
          And have you had a baby yet? Hold old?


          1. Hi there again..
            The first month with the symptoms turned out negative.. symptoms were sore boobs, terrible back ache and tiredness.. and I had my periods with a delay of a week.. we decided not to focus on trying and soon enough the next cycle was delayed with a negative at first and then a positive ten days later.. And in this case, I just had the sore boobs and was always in denial so not to be dejected this time.. it’s pretty recent 🙂 I am still in the first trimester hoping things will turn out well.. Lot of worries and stress.. but just a month left to cross the 12 weeks hurdle..hoping for the best 🙂


  2. right as they say all in good time.. this time it was not to be .. always a next time and the famous saying or the word DESTINY …

    My best wishes always ..


  3. I’m sorry, Ana…but I know that you will be successful. We went through the same things. I swear at times I thought I had seen basters in the bedroom. 😀 You’ll be cleaning diapers soon and all of this will be behind you. 💗💗💗

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, it is fun. Especially when I was exhausted and sick in the middle of the night and the babies started to cry because they soiled their diapers. Now, THAT is fun. 😀 Good times. 😉


  4. Pregnancy and its symptoms are different from each woman to another. I really suggest you don’t go looking for pregnancy symptoms online. Because on one site I found that you can get pregnant even if it leaks on your panty. *shudder* This is certainly not true for every site out there but a lot of women talk out of their own experiences, which are unique.

    I **never** got any such symptoms. No nausea, no vomitting, no sore anything, no headaches, no taste bud changes, no cravings, no swellings, nothing. All through my pregnancy. Till I actually started showing, we were skeptical whether this was all going to be one big joke, even after going through regular gynec checkups and sonos.

    There certainly are common symptoms of pregnancy. But its like this: you may feel nauseating in pregnancy but not all nausea is due to pregnancy. And when you are trying to conceive, you analyse every single change, sometimes even imagining things. I am not saying you were. But this is how strongly I suggest that you keep all those common symptoms out of your mind and focus only on being happy, peaceful and healthy. All the best.

    And yes, do check with your doc about folic intakes and other supplements, whether dietary or by pills. I was told to take folic tabs regularly up until 1 month after delivery.

    I really mean about keeping yourself calm and healthy. 🙂


      1. Mine was difficult. Psychologically. I was constantly stressed because I didn’t have ANY symptoms and constantly assumed the worst. What if situations kept playing in my mind. I could have been lucky if I accepted that I was lucky! But I was constantly skeptical. Ruined the amazing lack of symptoms, didn’t I?


        1. Sorry, I didn’t think of it that way. Of course it must’ve been difficult to have no physical proof of your pregnancy other than test reports. I can’t imagine how scary that would’ve been!


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