Cruise India Tours, You Suck.

Last week, Mister told me to keep the weekend free. He said he had something grand planned, and I squealed and clapped like a two year old OD’ing on candy, because I knew exactly what he had on his mind.

India's first Pitstop Party at Hyatt Regency Gurgaon

This, my friend, is bike porn. Superbikes. Stunts. Customization. Bikini wash. Music. Sunburn DJ. Imagine my enthusiasm!

I’ll be honest, I’d just seen NH10 (the movie) and was a little worried about the bikini babes’ safety because the event was at, well, NH10.

We left home at 9 and stopped on the way to tank up. A Triumph Roadster stopped next to us and Mister, the petrol pump attendant, and I let out a collective gasp that was very (very) audible. The lucky/rich/lucky to be rich guy nodded at us. He could’ve said go ahead, touch it, but he didn’t.

My eyes welled up as the biker rode away into the horizon. Our old, tired Electra looked like a bullock cart in comparison to that Rocket.

I could sense expectations rise up through my body like a storm. I clutched my camera and urged Mister to get me there as fast as he could. So he rode like the wind, and overtook everyone on the road.

And when I say everyone, I mean everyone, including the organizers of the show.

When we got to Hyatt, we thought we had gotten the dates wrong. There were no signs of a biking event. No posters, no standies, no fliers, no stalls, and no people.

Okay, there were some stalls, but they were vacant – there weren’t even chairs to sit on. And okay, there were some people, but they were equally confused by the emptiness of it all.

Why is it so khaali? Shouldn’t there be people setting up their stalls by now?

The event starts at 12:30, so maybe they’ll be here by 11:30.

They weren’t. We stood there in the scorching heat, all eight of us, and nobody came. I walked to the end of the area, and spotted four custom bikes that made me want to throw up.

Did we get the dates wrong?

He pulled out the tickets. No, we didn’t.

Two hours later, one of the Bikers for Good guys who had set up their stall told me that apparently there were some guys who had ridden their Harleys all the way from Mumbai and Pune; these people were upstairs in their rooms, waiting for the event to start.

I was suddenly overwhelmed by compassion in a so what if they’re sitting in their rooms sipping martinis while we get sunburned and dehydrated way.

We whiled away time flipping through a really awesome calendar that the Bikers for Good guys had given us.

Best thing I’ve seen all day, except for the Roadster.

At 2:30 pm, there were still about 20 people in the arena, and six of these were housekeeping staff who were hoping to catch the bikini wash on their lunch break.

We were hungry and tired and dehydrated, and I wasn’t about to pay 250 bucks for a Falafel wrap and 50 bucks for each sip of water. We rode to the nearest Mc Donald’s at Manesar, ate, and returned to find some people had left, but two other bikes had miraculously appeared. The MC, a plump overage college kid trying too hard to look biker-type in her frilly fluorescent orange top, sweat stains, ill-fitting denim shorts, cheap sunglasses and bright rani colored lipstick pranced up and down the area, holding a mic. Welcome to the blah blah blah Cruise India Bike Show blah blah blah double the fun.

Meanwhile, Mister and I sniggered. Double the fun my ass.

Why don’t you go and click the bikes?

What bikes? There are no bikes here, only disasters.

Well that’s true. Seriously, if it weren’t for the Scout, we’d have NOTHING to look at.

After twiddling my thumbs for a while, I went and asked around. Are the organizers here yet? Someone pointed at a guy who had been walking around in a chequed shirt. Do you think the event will start anytime soon?

Yes, he said. The bikini wash will start anytime now.

What are we waiting for?

The performers.

Fuck.

The ladies walked in at 4 for a 12:30 pm show. Mister pointed out that one of them actually looked like Marilyn Manson. The other one resembled Nargis Fakhri in a constant pout kinda way.

The girls started socializing, and were mostly generally posing for pictures on the bikes, sitting, rubbing their boobs on the fuel tanks, looking available, displaying their wares as they slowly, seductively swung their legs around the bike, sipping beer.

At 5, the girls went in to change. The MC started again. Please gather blah blah blah bikini wash blah blah first time in India blah blah. Meanwhile, crowd had started to gather around (mostly laborers from the next under-construction building and hotel staff, and maybe thirty bikers.

Five (or was it six?) bikes were brought in. And then beer bottles were placed next to these bikes. Then came the buckets.

The MC had to pretty much beg the crowd to cheer when the show started. Even the laborers in the next building had started to yawn and scratch their balls.

When the girls walked into the arena fully clothed, I almost expected them to reach into the bucket, pull out a bikini top and start washing the bikes with them. Can you blame me? But no, they did great. Slowly took their shirts off and washed the bikes in the area, one after another. I noticed that Marilyn was more efficient (faster and more particular about washing all areas of the bike), Duckface was more effective (slow, seductive, and downright slutty). Net result: as soon as the show was over, all the blue-balled men headed to the restroom.

Things are surely looking up.

Yes. Can’t wait for the stunts to start!

They didn’t. We waited till about 7:30 pm, and nothing happened. We asked several people who gave us the following stories:

The stunter is upstairs in his room, and he’s upset about the badly managed event.

It’s too dark for stunts now. Safety concerns. 

The stunter passed out from all the drinking. 

The police didn’t allow the bikes to cross the border, and they are basically waiting for autos to load their bikes and bring them here.

When we got tired of waiting, Mister offered to check with the organizer. What he said made me laugh out loud, in front of him. The stunter met with an accident on the way, so it will probably not happen.

He was basically telling us that a stunter couldn’t handle a simple bike ride.

I started to laugh, and asked for a refund. None of what you promised happened today. I basically came here to watch two women drink beer that I paid for, to wash bikes that didn’t even belong to me.Where are the fucking superbikes you promised anyway?

Mister glared at me. What she means is that we didn’t feel like we got our ticket’s worth.

Also, there are many people who didn’t even pay to attend this fuck-all event. I added. You should give me my money back, dude.

The organizer said nothing. I laughed. Chalo yahan se, let’s go. Forget the money, this moron won’t even give us an apology.

We left, but not before I had made a vow never to attend a Cruise India event again.

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

17 thoughts on “Cruise India Tours, You Suck.”

  1. I think there is / was a Indian Bike week in Goa. My friends were all talks about that.

    May be you guys should get a Triumph Bonneville if you like cruisers. It’s Daytona for me any day though. I hate cruisers except the Royal Enfield old school Bullet. I am kind of Sports bike guy. Enough gyaan! lool

    Anyway, this is one sad experience. The worst is that organizers don’t even give a shit. This is not the first case I am hearing. You guys were actually good with him I believe. You can cherish that 😛

    Take care!

    Like

    1. I like the Bonneville too. Stylish but understated. We have an old-school Electra, but it’s very unreliable. It gave us a lot of trouble on our honeymoon, and that’s when we decided we’d buy another bike. So the plan is to get a sports bike now, and upgrade the Enfield to 750CC in a year or two.
      In all likelihood, we’re buying the Duke 390 in a couple of months, but Mister kinda wants to wait for the Pulsar 400. But let’s see how that goes!

      As for the Goa Bike week, it was right after we came back to Delhi, and apparently it was a hit! Just my luck, I suppose!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. As opposed to Duke 390’s single cylinder, the Bonneville has twin parallel cylinder which means lesser vibrations at high speeds compared to Duke. The Bonneville is a matured bike, compared to Duke 390 which is a mad rush. I know a lot of kids who lost their life riding Duke. It’s mad, it’s insane. The acceleration is out of this world. But that said, it’s not a great bike for pillion riders.

        And then what are we looking at… 5.xx lacs for the Triumph and odd 2.xx lacs for Duke? lol they are different category. The Bonneville is a good tourer/cruiser. I don’t think Duke is anything but a tourer.

        Duke 390 has couple of other problems like overheating (due to high torque at lower rpms I believe) and those orange powder coated alloys cracking. But I still love the Duke 390. If I were to choose between the Duke 390 and Bonneville and money no constraint… I would still choose the Duke. I love the insanity factor.

        Ooops sorry for taking up too much space here. This is just from the little knowledge I have, and I am not updated these days much about happenings in Automotive world.

        Good luck with your purchase!!

        Like

  2. You brought me up by mentioning bikini babes washing motorcycle, and made me crash with a mention of ball scratching. I’m now walking in my office in circles as a result.

    Like

  3. Yikes! Lousy show organizers. I hope you didn’t lose too much money Ana. Well, you got to go for a ride anyway, too bad about the show but F**k ’em. better luck next time.

    Like

  4. I really had an inkling when the ticket prices were reduced to 800 bucks, initially that was 1500. and my friend said “this is gonna be shit” bro lets not waste our weekend on this.
    i had frickin remorse of not goin to this event.. howeva m so happy now, that was some right decision decision out of serendipity. getting drunk at hauz khas village was far better.. yay!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You know I have been following your blog , I do not know if you have any time visited mine. Just look into “the Blogs I follow” in which your closed face is been twinkling. As you say ” I’m literally jumping up and down on my bed right now, excited about sending you an email each time I post something”. In my case I get to be like Archimedes when ever I get even a “LIKE”. I Got It!! ,I Got It!!!< I Got It !!!!!. Do visit my Blog and at least view if you cannot follow or like it.

    Liked by 1 person

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