of safety blankets

I lay on our bed last night, wide awake, worrying that I didn’t know what to do with the blog. I haven’t been feeling like writing lately, because I never have the time.

But as I stared at the ceiling in the dark, I became aware of how his arms and legs are always wrapped around me like a blanket as we sleep – a blanket that I couldn’t, wouldn’t ever want to imagine having to sleep without. If I pull away, he’ll ask if I’m okay, and fall back into sleep without waiting for an answer. In a few moments, he’ll realize I’m not glued to him, so he’ll find me and tuck me back into his chest. You may see this as corny but I can’t tell you how exhilarating it is to feel safe and loved and protected, especially if it’s something you have not experienced before.

And then it hit me. It’s not like I don’t have the time. I just don’t want to do anything without him. Every waking moment is somehow about us, about him and me and our love. I barely survived his trip to Bangalore. I had to wear his unwashed t-shirts, go to sleep in his dirty shorts, stalk his Facebook profile for hours to be able to live. I can’t live like this is all I could manage to say to him every time we spoke before breaking into hysterical sobs.

And now that I am expected to travel for work for a month, I don’t want to is all I can think about. Because when he’s not there, I feel like I’m drowning, like the world will consume me and there will be nothing when he gets back.

Ironically, that’s exactly how I feel when he is around. I feel like he’s consuming me and there’s nothing left for the world. I feel irreverent for so casually sidelining all the other blessings in my life.

This is how I was with my first husband, and it bothers me.

Could it be that I am always looking to be in a relationship that draws me in and keeps me safe? Do I need to pull away a little bit to be able to see things clearly?

I don’t know. Do you?

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

41 thoughts on “of safety blankets”

  1. ultimately it depends on what you feel like doing Ana..we make our own rules…even if you try to concentrate on other things, if it doesn’t make you feel okay or great..what is the point…

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        1. I try, but fail miserably. All I can think about is how empty I feel. 😦
          But I guess this will become okay with time, as other people seem to be telling me, though I did wait seven years for the “settling down” to happen the last time around!

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  2. It is amazing how deep you experience love. It is beautiful to feel such a love, to feel so connected to someone, to feel such a sweet bond and most of all… to know that the other one feels it too. But I understand – because I felt the same – how much of a prison it can become when we start feeling depending on it. It mostly has to do with feeling NOT whole when we are by ourselves. But this is not true, we all are whole. There might be a lack of self-worth which gives this feeling of dependency. We can be strong and conquer the world with the love we feel for someone and get from someone. But as long as we make us dependent from it, it weakens us. A relationship like that can become a chain and addiction. But we don’t lose anything when we cut the chain. In addition to this wonderful relationship we develop the power of ourselves which becomes a rock for ourselves and the person we love. The weakness we feel when we chain us to someone in order to feel whole turns into unlimited strength when we find ourselves as an individual part of the relationship.

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    1. And the odd thing is, he’s doing nothing to chain me. I think it’s how I am feeling – consumed by one thing and one thing alone – and it makes me afraid that I may some day lose myself.
      But yes, I know that feeling love this way is very rare, and I’m thankful for this gift!

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      1. Anawni, I hear you so clearly! I made myself and my value dependent on the love of someone else or actually on me loving somenone else because I could not give it to myself. That is scary and a feeling of being imprisoned. The crazy thing is to find out that only we ourselves are the builder of the prison. Even though we might have figured that out it is not easy to just let go. It is a process. But you know what? You are already in it! Be patient with yourself and perhaps talk about it with your husband. It is easier for him to understand reactions which might occur from that. It is just great that you are about to find the root of your chain. Even that can bring things in motion in order to dissolve!

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    1. He does, Paul. I am a more confident person because he is in my life. He says the same. Together, we’re doing things we always wanted to but never had the courage to risk being ostracized. Together, we are strong. When I’m with him, I need nobody else. And that’s what bothers me.

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  3. Reminds me of this killer song by Jack White called Love Interruption, which goes ” I want love to, grab my fingers gently, slam them in a doorway, put my face into the ground”. The intensity is unavoidable, if it resonates. What is interesting is that bitterness hasn’t deflated your perception of love in terms of self inflicted expectations. Kudos I suppose!

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  4. That sounds like a nice kind of love. As corny as it may be, it must be nice to have that kind of consuming love. As for writing, I’m a bit of a procrastinator. I kinda sit on a story for months until I can’t keep it to myself anymore and I just let it all out. I write. It’s a little consuming too. The way I write. Like the latest post I wrote came out after two months of stony silence. I knew exactly what I wanted to write, but the words just didn’t come. But when they do come, they really do. And it’s all out now. There was a point to this analogy, I just forgot what it is now.

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    1. Ha ha.. welcome to my world, where you start to write, not knowing where it’ll end, and then somehow going on until either your fingers ache, or your heart.
      It’s the best way I know! ❤

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    1. Yes, but I remain the same. I thought I had learned my lesson – cutting friends out of my life didn’t work last time. But I guess you’re right – this time it is different. I’m generally more open about my life, and more satisfied with it!

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  5. Ana, I know exactly how you feel. I always have the same kinds of reaction and thinking to my relationship with my wife. The answer is simple but not easy! Seek acceptance that you are enough in this and every moment. Those negative thoughts are our attempts to prove that the voice of inner doubt is not true by filling our senses (smell, sight sound, and touch) with the reality that at least one person thinks we are enough or to trick ourselves into thinking that our self doubt is really fear that he/she or the relationship is inadequate. The time apart is an undesired gift. It comes as a smack to the forehead of our belief that we are incomplete or inadequate. My suggestion is: seek guidance on treating the mistaken belief that you are not enough. For you are enough!

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  6. Ana,
    I remember wanting to see my now husband of 10 years everyday and all the time.
    Now 10 yeasr of marriage and 2 kids later. We have settled in, the love is stronger but not so forceful, its holds but doesn’t bind, it supports me doesn’t weigh me down. I remember letting go of plum assignments just bcos I didn’t want to be away from him. Now I know..he will be waiting as will I.
    Someday your love will evolve into something more freeing something more liberating, until then enjoy it and revel in it.

    Anya

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lizzie, with all the good intentions and positive vibes you seem to keep passing around and with your capacity for giving and loving, you are more likely to find it than you think. If it feels otherwise, take it from someone who has been just as crestfallen before. ❤
      You'll be fine. No, better than fine. You'll be silly and stupid and gigglysquealy in love, and I just know that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope you’re right. It would be nice to have that one day. People seem to really LIKE it. I’ve read…I’m sure I understand why. Just not sure I know how to get it or whether people like me really DO! But I guess I can hope. Ish. Thanks

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        1. Lizzi, if there is anything I’ve learned from having a fuck-all life, it is that it is the darkest just before dawn. Things ALWAYS get better. You ALWAYS get what you really need, whether you want it or not. And when you finally get there, it ALWAYS looks like it was worth the pain.

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          1. Maybe the badness makes us strive for better, I don’t know, but at the moment I’m RELIEVED neither of our babies lived, because that would make life so much more difficult right now, and impossible to manage…and that’s a horribly guilty feeling. So I don’t know. That’s some pretty dark darkness right there…

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  7. I have been thinking about this the last few days. How much I have come to depend on and NEED my husband to be there. How comfortable it is in his arms and how I cannot imagine not having him there. I thought about running away, to find myself, to give myself some space between me and him and I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. The thing is that you are still there, nestled within those arms. You are still you. The emotions are intense right now and that feeling that you are being swallowed even though you can’t imagine not being swallowed by it just means you need to take that time to do things that are just yours and time that is just yours. It does not mean you don’t love him, it doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with him. It just means you want to be yourself within that warmth and safety he gives you. I hope this makes some sense. I do understand how confusing it can be.

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    1. I’m not sure I understand, Pavanne. I feel like a bird that seems to want to be in the cage though the doors are wide open, and I’m very confused by this.
      Not sure I understand why I’m built this way, but I do hope there’s a way out of this!

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  8. You derive strength from one another, but that doesn’t make either one of you incomplete. You are individuals that grow strong together. Kind of like The Wonder Twins, without the super powers. 🙂

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  9. The force of your love is amazing. I hate to admit it, but I can’t relate to such intensity of passion – for anything or anyone. Since I feel that way, I’ve always told myself it’s just scary / unsettling / unwise (!) to depend on any one person to the extent you can’t live without them at all. Then again, we’re all different people, and we have different ways in which we live and love.

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