So, worth it?

You know how most mothers gush and swoon when they talk about their children and how they insist that motherhood is so worth it?

Yeah – I don’t fucking get it.

Seriously. I’ve been a mom for twenty-five days, and every single day has been a fucking nightmare. And I’m not even talking about the delivery. That’s the easy part, despite the episiotomy (and the fact that you went through all this trouble and he doesn’t even look like either of you).

Every time Z gets hungry or has peed or pooped, he cries. All of 3 kilos, and he has more lung power than Arnab Goswami on steroids. And he eats/pees/poops in 15 minute cycles.

It’s not surprising then, that the last twenty-five days have seen only four changes of clothes (unless you exclude the hospital gown, which I wore for the two days I was in there – which makes it three changes of clothes over 23 days. So basically I have worn each pair of pajamas-and-tee for about 7.67 days).

The clothes I’m wearing now have safely absorbed six pee puddles and two vomit showers, which is more than I can say for most diapers I’ve tried (if I hear a word about how I should be using cloth nappies, I’m going to scratch your eyes right out). I’m pretty sure these pajamas are going to last me another three days, unless poop gets on it. Maybe not even then.

When your husband asks you if you want to shower, you want to scratch his face with your longish fingernails that have dried poop under them. (Unless your baby just peed, in which case the poop isn’t dry anymore.) If I had fifteen fucking minutes to spare, don’t you think I’d be spending it on something that I actually fucking need to do? Like eat? Or sleep?

The answer is NO. The moment you pick up that cup of tea or lie down on the bed, the Arnabesque wailing will begin. By the time you get back, it’s cold (speaking of both the tea and the bed) and you just can’t, anymore.

Then there’s the breastfeeding, which is (f)actually beast-feeding, but you don’t realize it until those pretty pink lips you were just admiring suck on your tits like a vampire. Yes, there’s blood involved, and no, you never get used to it (at least not for the first 25 days).

All of this leaves you so exhausted and emotionally volatile, you find yourself weeping uncontrollably and thinking dark thoughts, much like the ones in this post. You’re not blind; you know you’re probably depressed, but if the husband even remotely suggests post-partum depression, you get mad and basically prove him right by flailing your arms and screaming at him until he hugs you. Then you’re still mad, but at least you’ve got some physical contact with a human being other than your son.

Speaking of human beings – most days, you don’t feel like you’re one.

Motherhood is so worth it my ass.

You know what I think? I think experienced mothers just really want other women to suffer – just like when you watch a really disastrous movie and you come back and tell all your friends they should go watch it coz it’s so “worth it”. Why drown alone when you can take down the rest of the world with you?

Advice to women without children: stay that way unless you have a lot of patience. At twenty-five days the tunnel seems too long and the light at the end, if there’s one, is too far away.

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Published by

anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

75 thoughts on “So, worth it?”

  1. Oh wow, my congratulations, Anawni! I admire you that you take the time to write instead of taking a rest and sleep. All I can say is: Welcome to the club! You will get used to it. The first time is the toughest. Then all gets into a structure. Just give yourself and the baby time and go with the flow…. which is not meant as a pun regarding the diaper change. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

          1. This is a long term commitment so you’d better be on board for this. If you do decide to have another don’t wait too long otherwise it is like having two single children and they don’t get as much from the relationship.
            Leslie

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Wait for the first smile 🙂 Also the one tip which saved my sanity: learn to breastfeed lying down in bed. It helps you get some sleep. I was a changed person after that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, the first smile wasn’t what did it, you know! It was Z looking up, guilt on his face as he fed one day. THAT did me in.
      I tried lying down to feed,and I’m wondering why in God’s name my doctor didn’t tell me to do that. I just woke up after a 1.5 hour nap, fed Z, tucked him back into bed, and returned to clear the cobwebs on this blog. It feels so good!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Most experienced mothers (like me) have forgotten the early nightmarish days. They remember only the smiles and the big toe in the mouth and the warm feel of their baby asleep on their shoulder – they’ve forgotten the screaming for milk, the pooping. We humans have biased memories, I suppose.
    I did not like the early days either. I found no silver lining in my dreary days and sleepless nights – with this endlessly demanding tiny human being that was totally dependent on me. I wanted to ask my son, who are you and why did you take over my life?
    It does get better – first you’ll see gaps in the feeding and pooping and you’ll find yourself time to eat and shower. Then you’ll see the sleep cycle get better. (A lot of the way you’re feeling has to do with sleep deprivation and sheer exhaustion.)
    Finally, you’ll see that smile, at around 3 months, and soon after, the back and forth cooing – that’s your baby talking to you – telling you, hey we made it through the dark days and we’re still here, so mom can you play with me, now that I’m a bit more tolerable?
    Hang in there and hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Are you talking about your experience or mine? Your words ring so true! Going back to work was the turning point for me! Even now, I have times when I wonder if I’ll ever be one of those amazing moms but for the most part, motherhood is pretty neat.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m finally starting to see the silver lining. The baby has grown a bit, has started to latch properly and it finally feels like I’m breastfeeding a human being and not a piranha. But seriously, I thought I was going to die.

        Liked by 3 people

    2. So the baby smiled at 5 weeks. Not the reflex, but the genuine happy-to-see-you smile. It made me happy for, like, ten seconds. What helped me survive was focusing on the gulping sounds, the satisfied sigh, the fake-cry pout.
      And the feeding cycle is better now, so there’s my silver lining. I finally found the time to do this! 😀

      Liked by 2 people

      1. And the silver lining will keep widening:) Yes that little connection – for those 10 seconds – that will keep getting stronger and stronger – until, irrationally, it overrides your own needs. Hugs.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Dear A,
    I think about you every day! You’re making it sister! I remember very little about the first three months other than I was exhausted, blue, and worried that my life was ruined. And then, like one reader mentioned, baby girl smiled at me on the very day I decided I was finished – day 30. And somehow…we both survived. You will too!
    It pisssd me off when my mother inlaw told me to nap when she napped, but I finally did one day…and those 12 minutes helped me make it to the next nap time and then the next.
    Sending you my love…find me if you need anything…even if it’s just to cry a little ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Michelle! The hug means a lot. But you knew that! Yeah, the smile does make life better, even if it’s just for a few seconds.
      Btw, ‘Nap when the baby naps’ has got to be the worst advice ever!
      I wonder why women even say it. 😕

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I was just like you with my first daughter. She was colicky, and we never, ever got any rest. I once threatened to throw her out a window, and my husband called in an aunt and uncle to take her for awhile so we could get out of the house. I’ll never forget the day my husband turned to me and said, “How come no one ever told us how hard it would be?”

    I couldn’t understand why I didn’t instantly fall in love with my child the moment she was placed into my arms in the hospital. Isn’t that what a good mother feels? Shouldn’t I be feeling unconditional love a month later? What kind of horrid, bad woman was I?!

    All I can tell you, and tell you truthfully, is that it does get better. It may take months, but the day will come when the baby smiles at you, or when someone will somehow say something or do something that you might perceive as a threat to your child, and you’ll just know that being that child’s mother is all you want and heaven help the person who tries to take the baby away from you.

    Babies can be hell. Babies ruin the life you knew before the babies came. But in the long run, it really is totally worth it. Just take it day by day.

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    1. Okay, so it happened. One day, suddenly, I felt like I could love the baby. I don’t know how or when, but I think it was the little things. The neck that frantically moves from side to side, looking for my breast, the hand that always cups my breast from the side, his other hand that is always in the way, how his eyes that look almost guilty of hurting me, the way his neck almost always smells like my milk…
      I think I am finally feeling it. Still don’t think I’m the kind of mom they tell you you should be, but I’m a mother alright!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Very few of us have ever thought we were the mothers we should be. We just do our best and hope it all works out. But heaven help the person who tries to harm our children!

        Is the baby sleeping through the night yet? That always helps.

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        1. Not yet, but he does sleep for an hour at a time unless he is cranky.
          I know what you mean about the protective instinct. I realized that I had it when I first saw a mosquito hover around Z’s body. I swatted it so hard my palms were in shock for a while!

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          1. The best piece of advice I received with my first child (and which I should have relayed to you way back when) is this: sleep when the baby sleeps. At least until the baby is sleeping through the night, don’t use the baby’s nap times as the time to catch up on housework or something. You need your rest.

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  6. It does get better and yes, I think there is a conspiracy out there to be sure that women continue to allow procreation and have children by keeping the truth from them. How terribly hard it is. And no, it is not a fair system either. You are responsible, you are supposed to be loving and adoring and if you are not, then something is wrong with you. Darn skippy there is something wrong with me, I just pushed out a watermelon, have stitches and pee when I laugh, cry or cough. If we really knew the truth of all of that would we do it. I don’t think so. You are fine, you are a good Mom and you will have that day when the baby smiles and suddenly you realize why it was worth it.

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    1. I think I’m there now, Pavanne. All this while I kept waiting to feel what movies have taught me about motherhood – how you’re supposed to feel over the moon with the new baby, feel overwhelming, selfless love as soon as you hold the little one in your arms. I didn’t feel any of this. I just felt miserable coz I didn’t feel any of this.
      It took a few weeks for me to even consider that maybe, maybe all mothers feel how I feel. I’m going to be alright!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Devoted mother my ass. I’ve been more the reluctant mother. 😁Mister actually took a whole month off so he could be with me and the baby. He has been doing everything except feed the baby, but that was actually the hardest part! It’s what drove me nuts! Now things are better, except on days that Z decides to cluster feed (that was all of last week). Otherwise, things have settled down a bit now.

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  7. As someone who has never gone through it, I appreciate you taking the time to write about these early hellish challenges. Thank you for letting us experience it with you, even if we can’t really help you out.

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  8. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you……. Oh my sweet girl, thank you so much for writing this.
    I hear you, and I know you hear me too. Love to you !

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  9. Hang in there new mommy – you are almost through the hardest part 🙂
    And yes you don’t clean after him yet, you just feed him and nap when he naps. Try to BF lying down. You can rest and your back will thank you! I know you don’t wish to, but a nice warm shower is indeed relaxing. BF is tough too – so do try some lanolin, massage and drink lots of water.

    My daughter is 3 and honestly I don’t even remember the nightmarish first month. But I do remember her watching me closely as she nursed as a 2 day old and I was in love!

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  10. There there sistah, calm down. Hugs to you all the way from Virginia :). Give it some time and one day u will also become one of those moms who say “it is soo worth it” ;). Ok Ok I am going to hide now to escape your murderous glare 😉

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    1. Thanks, Deepa! So glad I read this comment only now that I have calmed down a bit! 😉
      I have crossed over to the other side where I’m going to tell new(er) moms that it is worth it, and actually mean it. I think. Maybe.

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  11. Can’t agree more. My daughter used to fight sleep till the mid of the night and it continued for two years. Since I am working mom, I had to wake up quite early in the morning so somehow I used to get only 4 hours of sleep during the entire 24 hrs. I almost started having hallucination due to excessive exhaustion. I stopped complaining because that is the time when your husband also turns into a child and there’s no point complaining or trying to get sympathy. However, one thing I have planned for myself which helps in easing my mind. As soon as my daughter learns to take care of herself I will leave her with her father for 10 – 15 days and go on vacation all by myself every year. Let the father manage everything while I relax, watch TV and enjoy some quality time with myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Four hours of sleep for two years? You have got to be one tough mom! I don’t think I will ever be able to manage for this long. I hope you do get to take that vacation you talked about, and soon!

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  12. Hey, many congratulations!! Though, I am writing that on a rant-post, don’t be offended! 😛 I remember those first few weeks too! God! And I remember people telling me it gets better and me scowling at them! I sometimes thought “is there some problem with me because others don’t seem to have had any problems at all!!”

    But well.. life does get untangled once they start crawling and attempting to stand and walk and talk!! They’re hilarious when they start trying to talk! Mine has gone to meet his dad’s masi with grandma. And told me phone today “I am busy, I’ll talk to you later!” Yeah well.. What can I say!! 🙂

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    1. Offended with something you said? No way!
      Also,Z just looked into my eyes and somehow conveyed that he wanted to be fed. No arm-thrashing, no rooting, no hand-in-mouth.
      I’m in love.

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  13. Congratulations 🙂 for making to it safely 🙂 Reading you was like I was hearing my sis in law 🙂 because it’s only she whom I have seen giving birth and surviving it 🙂 So I understand how it feels 🙂 But it is good you are ranting it all out her 🙂 It will help 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I don’t know if you were sincere enough in saying that, but I have got to know about few of ladies who actually dread second child. They dreaded first one too ut lack of experience and social and partner presser made them give in.

    Why don’t woman raise voice against it if they don’t want to be a mother? ( Not that I am saying that you dint want. #justathought

    Liked by 1 person

          1. So its thousands of years social conditioning versus their own sensibility. They seem to be more in self denial about having an option. Specially when the options are given them by their self reliance and independence.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. There is no doubt that the ultimate responsibility for seeking their own identity rests on the individual. The tragedy is that it’s not easy to forge this identity when there is so much resistance from the people around you. It’s like swimming against the tide – not impossible, but a really hard thing to do. Not everyone has the strength.

            Liked by 1 person

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