To the Linguistically and Cognitively Challenged Douchebag from Yesterday

I can understand that for someone stuck mentally in the 1990s, general namecalling would be the go-to mechanism when stuck in an argument that they cannot win. This is, however, 2016, and you’re expected to act your physical age, or at least pretend to be on board with the whole being an adult thing even if you don’t actually understand it.

Here’s a simple flowchart that you can refer to when you’re in an argument with someone who has, unlike you, aged mentally.

Troll_Vertical

You’re welcome. Metaphorically speaking, of course – lest you assume I’m telling you it’s ok to return here. It’s not.

Did you see the troll at work yesterday? Are all of them this deranged, or did I win a special lottery? What’s your troll story?

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

40 thoughts on “To the Linguistically and Cognitively Challenged Douchebag from Yesterday”

  1. You kept your cool when responding and gave full answers to the person’s queries. That is a good strategy, and I use this especially when dealing with these types face to face. Online, they leave their IP addresses without realising it because they think that you will be scared of them (classic sexism) or that you’re not bright enough to reverse trace them into oblivion. Otherwise, I am very calm and screen shot that data and delete the messages.

    My keyword list contains every vile slang term I can think of so 99% of random trolls will never even pop up. Other trolls (in the form of subscribers and regular readers) are hard to detect. They don’t outright call you names like that one yesterday. One set simply make sh*t up and projectile vomit thoughts in the comments. Another set ask questions that require a full answer and don’t acknowledge the response – deliberate time wasting is a tactic many trolls use. (My definition of trolling is very broad).

    For the former type, I ask a leading question and leave them to talk to themselves. Or for some aggressive alpha types, I delete the post (and all the comments) and publish the exact content at a different time on the same day. That has been 100% effective.

    If they’re up themselves enough and try to be subtle, I roll out the red carpet and give them a full Balinese massage. That usually shuts them up, believe it or not. Imagine gearing up for a battle only to be offered tea and biscuits.

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    1. Mind sharing that keyword list? I could use some slang myself! TBH, I’ve realized that though there’s no winning with trolls, it’s best to offer logic (like tea and biscuits) because they don’t know what to do with it. The only thing they have in their arsenal is offense, and I refuse to take it. Except, of course the one time that I lost my cool because they ridiculed my kid.
      Anyway, I think that it is also fun to reverse troll them when you have the time. 😉

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      1. It is very low to attack someone’s child. Of course, gloves come off at that point. The best part about reverse trolling is they don’t catch on. Truly, I applaud your approach. Never put up with the nonsense. Non reaction is the same as non response. Response is sometimes necessary but as you say, at a higher cognitive level (loved your diagram). Trolls are humans with fragile egos and that puts them at a disadvantage. (My keyword list is truly appalling. Even Samuel L Jackson would gasp in shock.)

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        1. I don’t think I would’ve cared enough to even allow those vile comments on my blog had the troll not said they knew me personally. When it’s someone you’ve shared physical space with, it is hard to just let it go. I wanted to know the reason behind the hatred and maybe set things right with them, but I guess all the other person wanted was a monologue. Can’t win with that, now, can we?

          Also, I really really want that list. Pretty please!

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  2. I had a troll on my blog who was very mean (as mean as yours). I should have deleted the comment – that is the logical thing to do, no matter what the provocation. Instead, like you, I engaged him/her. Big mistake. When you see shit on the road, you don’t stoop to pick it up (unless you are set to reform the world and stuff). You merely avoid it and move on – the shit will degenerate on its own. I was five years younger when it happened to me (probably as old as you are now). Now I know better, and so will you in a couple of years.

    Don’t give trolls leverage at your site. They are not worth it.

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    1. This person claimed to have been a part of my life at some point, so I thought I’d give it a shot and see what their gripe was so maybe I could reach out in real life and mend that relationship. But you’re right, not worth my time. Except I had a lot of fun creating the flowchart. I’m blocking them now!

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  4. Can’t believe a troll went to that extent just to piss you off. Good thing they’re not part of your life anymore. You don’t need such douchebags in your life, do you?
    Also, I think this is the best thing I’ve read today. Love your style. Keep the stories coming.

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    1. Hey! I had to come back to say you seem like a wonderful person, and the troll has GOT to be a psycho. If I met him, I’d punch him in the face for being such an asswipe. How difficult is it to understand that if you don’t like what you read, don’t read it?

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  5. I had a troll recently who was also a follower. The troll said some unflattering things about a tidbit post, and it was personal. I didn’t have your patience. I edited his comment and replaced it with my comment, then banned him.

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  6. Ana, why ais this guy acting like a jobless and childish person, sitting and reading posts he doesn’t want to read, and then hanging around to be ridiculed? Does he have no self respect! And to behave this way with someone he says he’s known for years? What a moron!

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  10. Nuts, I missed all that. Now I’ll have to go back and see what all the excitement is about.

    And that, of course, is the downside of letting a troll get to you. By fighting back, instead of just deleting, you bring more attention to the issue. I’m lucky I’ve never had a troll – the closest I ever came was the guy who posted that he was sorry he wasted his time reading my blog. I just told him I was sorry he read it, too, and would be glad if he stopped doing so. He never came back.

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  11. I had one. Back when my ex and I were divorced, but fighting for custody of our two children. I wrote a post about my dog, that my ex had given away without asking me and then refused to tell me where he was. His brother commented anonymously that “that dog was abused and neglected” and I should never be allowed to own a dog again. I called him out for hiding behind “anonymous” and he commented again using his real name. The whole thing didn’t just make me mad, it upset me, because we had been close before I filed for divorce. (And he used to support me in my rails against his brother – all the more odd.) That was 5 years ago now. I left his comments there, really, to show the kind of hatred this family was capable of (and that I endured from my ex for 12 years). But still, it made me question who else do I know personally who would do this to me?

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    1. I hear you, Tara. It’s the worst when people who were once close to you do this, all because you decided to live your life the way you want to. I’m leaving these comments here as a reminder for myself that not everyone who pretends to be your family/friend really is.

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  12. (((hugs))) to you ana, you handled that asshole with a lot of grace and dignity, I don’t think I would have done that. Some idiots do not have anything else to do and hide behind their screens all day and spew vitriol. Block them pronto!

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  13. Hey I missed all the Fun it seems .. I dont understand why people do that , call names and say things and HIDE.. I mean if you got to say something Say it out in the open, I remember we had a open spat a few years ago with a fellow blogger, I put it up for everyone to read..

    Anyway I have been fortunate not to be trolled, because I know just one thing the punjabi way Get hold of them and SLAP them in public .. that works .. 🙂

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