of the curious case of the missing toast

You know how much I love mysteries. I woke up to one this morning. Better yet, I solved one!
Here’s what happened.

I lay snoring on our bed this morning when I heard some strange noises from the dining area. Mister and mom were talking loudly, which isn’t really a common occurrence. I was obviously worried and was finding it difficult to ignore the ruckus, so I dragged Mister’s pillow and dropped it over my head.

It didn’t help. I had to get up.

I hate getting up. Especially in the middle of the morning. It turns me into Crankenstein.

I dragged my lifeless body out of bed and crawled toward the dining area. Mister was holding a toaster – yes, a fucking toaster – in his hands. He looked bewildered.

No, not because I was up so “early”.

He was making toast for himself and had put a slice of bread in the toaster and turned it on. Two minutes later, he returned to the toaster, and voila, there was no toast.

Mom and Mister had been speculating the following theories when I woke up:

• Mister forgot to put the slice of bread in the toaster. He just thought he did.
• Mister did not really want to eat toast and was just trying to mess with her (which I kinda was leaning a little bit toward, seeing as Mister does not eat carbs and always tries to mess with mom’s head).
• This could be the beginning of his Alzheimer’s or some such serious disease that will take his life if we don’t take it seriously.

They were driving me nuts so I had to take charge and play detective.

Did I tell you that as a kid I wanted to be a detective like Vyomkesh and Sherlock? I knew the rules – no matter what the crime is, you start by interviewing witnesses and surveying the crime scene.

So that’s what I did.

Step 1: Interview the Victim. Ask the same questions again and again. See if he sticks to his version.

Me: Tell me exactly what happened. Start at the beginning.

Mister: You remember how Luthria (his doctor) told me not to have tea empty stomach?

Me: Skip to this morning dude, I don’t have all day to investigate a missing slice of bread.

 

Mister: I opened the fridge, took out the packet of bread, took out a slice, put it in the toaster, set the clock to 1.5 minutes, switched it on, and went on to go read the newspaper.

Me: How many times do I have to tell you 1.5 minutes is not enough! Are you absolutely sure you put the bread in the toaster?

Mister: Of course I am. There’s crumbs all over it. See? 

 

Step 2: Survey the Crime Scene

I picked up the toaster and indeed. Breadcrumbs, and no bread. Nothing. Nada.

I checked around the toaster. Nothing there.

Then I decided to take a closer look, and there it was, lying on the floor, waiting to be discovered by my unsuspecting foot.

 

 

 

Me: Told you 1.5 minutes wasn’t enough time!

Mister: Clearly it was enough time for this thing to jump off the toaster and hide before I got back!

 

What about you? Have you ever played detective? What did you want to be when you grew up?

of opinions

Here’s a rough translation for my non Hindi-speaking friends:

Rapes can be prevented through a careful development of character.

1.  20 years ago, entire families would sit gathered round the television set watching the Ramayana. A scene with Ram, Sita, or Hanuman would result in exultations, folded hands, and heads bowed in respect.  We would wait all week for Sundays to arrive, for that is when we got to experience this out-of-the-world experience of watching our favorite gods come alive on T.V. We could think of nothing else, talk of nothing else all week.

2. Now, however, all we watch is pornography. You can pay the local shopkeeper Rs. 10 and he will load 500 porn video clips on your mobile. These clips are available to anyone and everyone, be it a 10 year old boy or an old man. This, in my opinion is the main reason rapes are happening. These porn videos are affecting the mindsets of hundreds of people.

3. We should have a system in place where the Senior Superintendent of Police in each district should give instructions to each police station to strictly punish those who download pornography on their computers or mobile phones by humiliating them in front of the public for five days and then putting them behind bars for six months.

4. Every single city has a Residents Welfare Association (RWA). These RWAs should keep close checks on drivers, gardeners, domestic helps, etc. They should randomly raid groups of said people sitting together to check their phones, because this is the strata of society that sits together and makes crude  remarks on women passing by. Keeping them in check will help the cause a lot.

5. I will respect every woman as though she were my mother/sister/daughter. Over their lifespan, people sign a lot of documents in banks, hospitals, and for employment purposes. Wherever signatures are required on a form, they should also be asked to sign against the statement –  I will respect every woman as though she were my mother/sister/daughter.  This will act as a reminder of the pledge every man should take. It will reinforce the good values almost like a small dose of a much-needed medicine.

Guess where that came from. An auto-rickshaw driver. Raghuveer has a stack of photocopies of this essay and he hands them to his sawaaris (passengers), hoping that one day the world will become safer for the women in his family.

Now I don’t think that things are as black and white as he thinks, but who would’ve thought that a barely-educated middle-aged Indian man in a blue collar job would have such well-defined views about sexual abuse. I’m impressed and thankful.

What do you think? Tell him at +91-995-835-8540.

Leave a note to let me know you did 🙂

 

 

 

of delusions

You know how I forgot my car keys in the ex husband’s camera bag.

He came to drop off the car keys today. He was being really sweet, but I suspected that he was rather miffed at having to come to my office all the way just to drop off my car keys. It’s no problem at all, he said. At least I got to meet you again.

Although I know he hates detours and was just being polite, he didn’t seem upset at all. I almost felt