To the Linguistically and Cognitively Challenged Douchebag from Yesterday

I can understand that for someone stuck mentally in the 1990s, general namecalling would be the go-to mechanism when stuck in an argument that they cannot win. This is, however, 2016, and you’re expected to act your physical age, or at least pretend to be on board with the whole being an adult thing even if you don’t actually understand it.

Here’s a simple flowchart that you can refer to when you’re in an argument with someone who has, unlike you, aged mentally.

You’re welcome. Metaphorically speaking, of course – lest you assume I’m telling you it’s ok to return here. It’s not.

Did you see the troll at work yesterday? Are all of them this deranged, or did I win a special lottery? What’s your troll story?

Well, I survived!

The last time I wrote, my life seemed so totally and so utterly unmanageable that it filled me with anger. Not the kind of anger that makes you lash out, but the quiet, simmering anger that nobody tends to notice – which my angry mind quickly translated to nobody cares.

So I remained absent not only from the blog, but also from life. As my family and friends fawned over Z, I withdrew further and further into the shadows until suddenly, one day, my little man pulled me out. I can’t explain how he did it or if he even realized I was drowning and here I am, BACK.

I’ve missed you. What have you been up to all this while?

of souls

Okay, I think it’s time I cleared out the cobwebs on this blog. How long has it been? Two? Three weeks?

I’ve been suffering from a bout of the crazies (which is when I turn into Crankenstein and snap at everything that moves and knock over everything that doesn’t) and thought it would be best to stay away, until I got an email a few days ago with the subject: “Anawnimiss” has been Selected as one of the top 15 Love and Relationship blogs in India.

I was obviously elated – but when the write-up finally appeared, I was underwhelmed to say the least. The post was very carelessly written, in an attempt to quickly summarize the last few posts I’ve written. See for yourself.

This anonymous female tries to explain a mother’s unconditional love for her daughter which looks like a rude behaviour to others, horrifying experience of driving on roads, unwanted advices of people to a pregnant girl, and the happiness spread in the home on the birth of a baby boy. If you want to read her experiences please come over to this blog.

Needless to say, the review doesn’t even begin to capture the essence of this blog, its soul.

And that brings me to the question that has been plaguing me for three days, bothering me enough to step out of the shadows – what is the essence of this blog? Where does its soul lie?

of safety blankets

I lay on our bed last night, wide awake, worrying that I didn’t know what to do with the blog. I haven’t been feeling like writing lately, because I never have the time.

But as I stared at the ceiling in the dark, I became aware of how his arms and legs are always wrapped around me like a blanket as we sleep – a blanket that I couldn’t, wouldn’t ever want to imagine having to sleep without. If I pull away, he’ll ask if I’m okay, and fall back into sleep without waiting for an answer. In a few moments, he’ll realize I’m not glued to him, so he’ll find me and tuck me back into his chest. You may see this as corny but I can’t tell you how exhilarating it is to feel safe and loved and protected, especially if it’s something you have not experienced before.

And then it hit me. It’s not like I don’t have the time. I just don’t want to do anything without him. Every waking moment is somehow about us, about him and me and our love. I barely survived his trip to Bangalore. I had to wear his unwashed t-shirts, go to sleep in his dirty shorts, stalk his Facebook profile for hours to be able to live. I can’t live like this is all I could manage to say to him every time we spoke before breaking into hysterical sobs.

And now that I am expected to travel for work for a month, I don’t want to is all I can think about. Because when he’s not there, I feel like I’m drowning, like the world will consume me and there will be nothing when he gets back.

Ironically, that’s exactly how I feel when he is around. I feel like he’s consuming me and there’s nothing left for the world. I feel irreverent for so casually sidelining all the other blessings in my life.

This is how I was with my first husband, and it bothers me.

Could it be that I am always looking to be in a relationship that draws me in and keeps me safe? Do I need to pull away a little bit to be able to see things clearly?

I don’t know. Do you?

of guessing games

Last year, when I had just started blogging, I read a series of two truths and a lie posts. It was a whole lot of fun trying to figure out how well I knew the people whose lives I found so interesting. I made a lot of friends through my eagerness to bond with the people I absolutely adored and the limitless power of guesswork. Much as I wanted to participate, write my own two truths and a lie post, I couldn’t. I was far too new to expect someone to even spell my name correctly. I wasn’t wrong. I’ve been blogging for over fourteen months. and 500-odd followers and 170 posts later, some of my blogger friends still call me Awnanamiss, Anwanamiss, and Anawnamiss. Even if I completely ignore the little voice in my head that tells me I should’ve stuck with Anonymiss, I can’t ignore how much I wanted to play with you. Yes, you! So today, let me ask you this. If I were to write that two truths and a lie post, would you play? Because I have my list right here. Only, there are four truths and a lie.

1. A few months ago a blogger told me, ostensibly in jest, that he wanted to “date rape” me. When I confronted him about his insensitivity, he just kept telling me he only meant it as a joke. After two days of trying to make up my mind, I finally blocked and reported him. I still suspect he stalks my blog in stealth mode.
2. After I moved out of my ex-husband’s house, I decided to get a tattoo for each year I would spend my life unrestrained. So now, I have three tattoos. One on my leg, one not on my leg, and one definitely not on my leg. Mister is crazy about the the third, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.
3. Giggles and I stopped being friends for a long time after this episode. We only met socially once in a while. We got back to being friends only some time last year, around the time I started this blog.
4. I am not afraid of spiders or rats or any other species known to be ick-inducing. But I won’t ever touch stuff that can fly. I’m scared of moths and butterflies and cockroaches with wings alike.
5. I’m a little obsessive when it comes to my shoes. I’ve been buying the same pair of red and black canvas shoes since 1999. I have sixteen or seventeen other pairs of assorted footwear, but this is my go-to pair, especially when I go dancing. Yes, even if I’m wearing a dress. Yes, even if the colors don’t match.

Can’t wait to see what you think I’m lying about! Do you know me well enough to be able to figure out when I’m lying to you? How about writing your own four-truths-and-a-lie post?