of nothingness

Days pass, and you think of a million different things to talk to the boyfriend fiance about.

All you want to do is pour your secrets out. At first it’s easy to do. You talk about the blog and he tells you how much he enjoys reading it. Then he offers to stop reading if that makes you uncomfortable. Surprisingly enough, you don’t care anymore.

Then you start talking about your childhood. The difficult stuff. Sometimes even you are shocked by the things you say.

of rituals

 You’re getting dressed for work, trying to carefully select the earrings you’re going to wear today. You want them to be just perfect. It’s become something of a ritual ever since you moved in with the boyfriend. Every morning you wake up hoping that you will have become a beautiful person, but of course you haven’t and then you’ve to resort to dressing up some more to disguise the ugliness.

It usually doesn’t take you this long, but today you’re just standing there staring at yourself in the mirror feeling

of unwanted complications

He asks you to marry him, and you sit there dumbfounded. Your world comes crashing down. Three failed marriages between the two of you, and you were so sure it would never come to this.

Why, is all you manage to come up with. You’re choking with what he thinks is emotion, but really it is dread. You’re lonely most days, but you like your loneliness, and are not sure you want to give it up that easily. You’re not sure you can keep things rolling smoothly for very long in a relationship, and you haven’t really been together that long.

Because I love you. Because I was born to be with you. Because if you and I can’t make a marriage work, nobody can. I have a million reasons but I hope these are enough.

He puts you on a clichéd pedestal and you hate that about him. Despite the many fights you have he thinks the two of you are just sailing along, being happy.

But you know hat is not how love works.

of finality

You step out into the smoking zone. Your lungs are suddenly filled with smoke, and your heart with anticipation. You haven’t seen A since he made a pass at you and though you do want to know how he is doing, you don’t know how to deal with him. You’re very uncomfortable.

Ironically, the boyfriend is impressed by how quiet and lady-like you look tonight. He loves the dress and the high heels. Why don’t you dress like this more often?

Only if he knew what’s going on inside your head.

of togetherness

That awkward silence after you tell him. The wait, oh the endless wait to find out which side of him will respond. The side that loves you enough to forgive anything you do or the side of him that loves you violently and cannot understand why you do what you do. The suspense. The sound of your heart pounding. The vein in your head threatening to pop out.

You look up at him, so afraid. He doesn’t look at you.