of death

The phone rang just as I was about to step out. I almost didn’t answer, but the I saw his name flash. D never calls me.

How are you? He asked, not caring how I really was. His voice was vacuous, as though the smile that filled it was gone from his life.

I’m good. What’s happening? I said, unable to dismiss the sense of foreboding.

I thought I should let you know that mom’s no more.

I felt as I do when I expect there to be one more step on the stairwell, but instead my foot crashes against the cold, hard ground sooner than I expected. Of course I expected to hear this eventually; just not so soon.

I proceeded, over the next few hours, to try not to think about her. I had a dance class to be at.

Mister asked for my hand. One, two, cha cha cha. Three, four, cha cha cha.

You’re not really here, are you?

Just feeling bad for D and his dad.

The class crawled to an end. Mister held my hand tightly as we walked out.

Are you okay, baby?

Yes. No. I’m not sure. I know how it feels when a loved one dies. But right now, I’ve got nothing. I don’t know how I should feel when someone I didn’t like very much dies. Am I supposed to keep thinking of her as someone I didn’t like very much, or should I be thinking back to the good times and scrounge for good memories with her?

I don’t know.

Later that night, I caught myself thinking about all the things I hated about her.

Everything I did was wrong.

No no, don’t slice bhindi lengthwise. Cut it into round pieces instead.

What kind of bharta is this? The onions are undercooked. It tastes sweet!

She always thought I was capable of cheating on D.

With skirts that short and a propensity to work late, it’s no surprise that you keep getting promoted, she had said to me when I got home late one night after work.

Why? Have you found someone else, she wanted to know the day D announced he wanted to split. It didn’t matter that I was as shocked as she was.

Mister broke that train of thought with his question. Maybe you should skip the chautha ceremony tomorrow and go meet his dad at home next week?

No. I’m going.

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

37 thoughts on “of death”

  1. That’s a tough situation. Someone who treated you badly has died. Should you feel remorse? Should you feel glad? Is it ever right to be glad when someone dies? I’ve been there and found for me the best was to try to remember whatever good I could about the person, express sympathy to those who might have cared for the person, and simply acknowledge that life ends for all of us eventually.

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    1. So, it’s not like she treated me badly, you know. She was cold on her worst days, and said the meanest things. There were good days, too, but I can’t remember them, and that bothers me a bit.

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      1. We all have things in our lives that we feel guilty about. Best to just acknowledge that she was a difficult person most of the time. Some people are just like that. The fact that you are feeling badly about her passing shows your own sympathetic character – you’re trying to find good where there may not have been much of it.

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        1. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but there’s good everywhere. I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to find it while she was alive. I was blinded by my dislike (which was justified, of course). Anyway. She’s gone, and I can only work with the relationships I have with the living.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. My condolences. .

    I know it is tough but for however much you knew her.. and how ever she treated you.. now she has gone and hopefully the pain she gave will go away with her. .

    But a human has passed away so my condolences for that. .
    Take care

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  3. Death is hard because it is so final. We don’t get another chance to ask why. I had a similar experience when my father passed. We never had a chance to repair a relationship that was flimsy to begin with. I do think of him. I felt sad when he passed for what could have been but I have learned to let go.
    Leslie

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  4. It’s always sad when someone we lived with dies. I also appreciate how truthful you are with emotions. When Bhaiya died in January, the ex wife was there and saw her shedding tears. It’s human emotions which is so complex.

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    1. No, you weren’t there, so you know nothing. Don’t kid yourself. You know, at best, one side of the story. Also, it’s easy to comment on someone’s life from behind a mask and indulge in name-calling (I should know it, I do it all the time), but going around calling yourself “a friend” is going too far, don’t you think?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have always been delusional. In that ting world in your head, you are always right. So let it be. No worries.

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        1. Of course I think I’m right. You do, too. So please don’t play the holier than thou card with me. As for delusions, unless you ARE me, you know squat about my life and how I live it, so thinking otherwise would be, well, being delusional. Letting it be would be a good idea, but you seem incapable of that.

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          1. I gotta ask Ana – where do these malicious children come from who call you names? Why would they want to interest themselves in your business? Have they no lives of their own?

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          2. I don’t think they do, Paul. It’s sad, really, that some people just don’t understand that there’s a reason they aren’t part of our lives anymore. Good riddance, I’d say.

            Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry for your loss, because however you felt about her, it IS a loss. And it sounds as though it was a complicated relationship and I reckon it’s absolutely alright to feel a complete mixture about her death, and all that surrounds it.

    I hope that you going there is supportive for D, and that it helps to untangle things for you. I think you’d regret not going.

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    1. Thanks Lizzi. I’m doing okay. I can’t say I liked her very much, but it does make me sad to think that I’ll never see her again. I’m glad I went. It opened up a can of worms, but I’m glad I did.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It didn’t sound as though she treated you very nicely, so I’m not surprised you didn’t like her. But…even when someone difficult dies, it still has an impact and I’m glad you’re glad you went, and that it was the right thing to do.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. There’s reason why people don’t like you in real life. It’s very easy to talk shit on a virtual platform and soud all brutally honest and righteous. In reality, people can’t stand your company. You are a selfish bitch and I have seen you play. And I am not one of your estranged exes who is raging out(i am sure all if them are better off without you) but I have known you for more than a decade and this blog show that you have put can’t be any more fake than this. I wonder what your kid is gonna learn from you. How to be frustrated with everyone except yourself? How to be selfish and whine all the time? He is gonna be a whiner. You should not be raising any kids, you are a bad example. If you wanted you would take revenge on a 2yr old innocent kid. You are that twisted. Please learn basic things like respect and individuality before raising a kid. But individuality applies only to you in the whole world, you have the copyright and if someone is acting as an individual then that person is wrong. You’d cheat or even kill someone and still be able to justify it with your ‘victim story’. You are such a hypocrite. And whatever drama you do on your blog, you sound like a 40 yr old frustrated Women who loves to whine and point fingers at the whole world. You have an underdeveloped brain of a 12 yr old and Signs of perpetual cowardness. You are no hero if that’s what you are in your delusional world. And the same way you fool others with your big words whereas you are a very small person, kids have hearts and mind bigger than you. You are just a loser dragging others along with your misery, whining and sympathy you gain by acting like a victim all the time. You are very honest on your blog then post this comment. Cz this is your reality, not those stories that you make up to seek attention to your victimized life.

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    1. Dear mouse (I don’t know what else to call someone who doesn’t have the courage to come out in the open and talk), here’s all I have to say to you:
      1. If I were to believe you about the whole world hating me in “real life” (and I don’t coz who in their right mind would believe a mouse?), I couldn’t care less. I have all the love I need in my life. You wouldn’t know, because as I said, you know nothing about me.
      2. Whether I have one kid or ten, how I bring up my son, and whether he turns out whiny or not is my business, not yours.
      3. You can’t go around hiding behind fake email IDs calling people “selfish bitch” and “hypocrite” and in the same breath preaching the value of “respect” and expect to be taken very seriously.
      4. You sound very confused. Please decide if I sound like a 40 year old or a 12 year old, write it on a piece of paper and flush it down the toilet coz I don’t care what you think.
      5. It is “there’s a reason” and “signs of perpetual cowardice“, not “there’s reason” and “signs of perpetual cowardness“. I will take this opportunity to let you know that you can’t possibly be one of my exes coz let’s face it, I’d never date someone who’d make that kind of mistake. Yes, I’m shallow like that. Go complain to your mamma (or the Dalai Lama) about it.
      6. If you really can’t stand my company, why not just stay away? You don’t like what I write, don’t read it. It’s that simple.

      Naah, I know you’ll come back for more. You just can’t help it, can you?

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      1. You write “i couldn’t care any less” and then you write me an essay of your justifications! lol basically watever u said to me applies to you. I don’t need to write it again. If you read, you’ll be able to relate to it very well! You proved yourself wrong yet again no matter how hard you tried to explain..haha!

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          1. That’s classic you! Always in denial with the context, you try to cover up with other argument. I know you don’t like the context. Alteast find a better counter point for the sake of common sense!
            Sorry I am not as dense as you are. My english is really bad you see, but still you managed to reply to me in such long essays you know? That should mean something. I’d suggest you learn some more languages so you can judge people better, across the globe based on their vocab. Cz that’s all you are capable to do in life, precisely, mug up a bunch of books and become Virginia Woolf in your delusional brain. It’s okay, you have mental issues, it’s fine, I get it. Dictionaries, vocabs and books can take you this far only. Not beyond this point and towards common sense.

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          2. Let me get this right. YOU, claiming to have hated me all my life, found the time to find my anonymous blog and post provocative comments to get my attention. YOU went to the extent of ridiculing a baby, my baby, to get ME to reply, and YOU are going to sit on judgment on who can parent or not? And you say I am the one with issues?
            *slow clap*
            You know what, start your own blog where you can sort out your delusional issues bitch, coz nobody’s got any more time for that on this one.

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  7. Last paragraph is epic! You are just writing your bio over and again. *facepalm* no i dont need a blog to talk about my issues cz i can handle them like an adult without advertising and whining in public, that’s your job. You are going to do this for whole life I know for sure. Blame, whine, complain, repeat. That’s your jam.

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    1. Yes, it’s my jam. My blog, my page, my life, and I will do what I like with it. And maybe you’re right. You don’t need a blog, you need a life. One that gets your head out of my ass.
      P.S.- Thanks for dropping by on this anonymous blog to complain about me, whine about my reality, and blame me for loving my life. Oh, and repeating it over and over again! Your trolling is helping my blog’s pageviews. So, keep going as long as you want!

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      1. Hahaha! You won’t be this bitter and negative if you were truly happy and loved your life. The way you point fingers at, and whine about every other person in your blog, it shows how peaceful and happy you are. Happy people don’t make living out of page views for writing shit like this. You get pageviews out of the hatred an bitterness that you spread towards a person in every post. You every post has atleast one person as a target, towards whom you show your grudges and bitterness. Congrats on the pageviews btw! You are such a sad soul. Whiner!

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        1. It’s ironic that you’re calling me bitter and negative using, well – a bitter and negative tone. So I’m going to try one last time to explain the situation to you.
          (1) It is extremely naïve of you to think that people and situations are black and white.
          (2) Your hatred towards me is fueled your closeness to D, which works a little like tinted glasses. You only see me in one color because it’s all you want to see.
          (3) You don’t like my life choices, and you want me to be unhappy. You also want me to know you don’t like me. Therefore, you spend your time stalking and trolling me, seeking attention from me. That is what’s negative and bitter.
          (4) You’d be better off if you were to simply ignore me. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. I also realize that you will not understand this until you actually move on. I have, and D has, and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t, too.

          I’m going to do you a favor and block you from commenting on this blog so you can go get a life away from me and my *ahem* negativity. If you still have misgivings, pick up your phone and call. It’s the adult thing to do.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Look, no matter what you say or do, I’m here to troll you. Thats MY jam. When I have nothing logical to say to someone, I just keep coming back with random shitty arguments like “you’re evil” and “your English is great but I don’t get it so the joke’s on you ha ha” and I try to wear them out by my bull(shit)-headedness.

            I have no real job, so I can spend all day shoving my dumbassery in your face. You can try to shut me up, but you will fail, every single time. Because I won’t give up. I have nothing else to do!

            But hey, I claim to have known you for years, so here’s a quick tip: why don’t you make use of the “Edit comment” button you’ve got? *wink wink*

            Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh Dear.. Someone really loves you a lot 🙂 .. after reading the comments.. Just wanted to ask Who put their FEET ON HIS/HER TAIL… .. i shud say FOOT but just one wud not make someone squeal so much.. so FEET it is ..

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