of life, changes, and fears

I blacked out as I saw what I saw. I had to sit back down because the memories of my little brother that came crowding in left little energy for anything else.

I’m nine. My sister and I have just returned from school, and mom’s not home. We wear our lehengas, pretending to be princesses. Soon enough, there’s a bad fight. We’re rolling around on the bed pulling each other’s hair and screaming. Just as I break the rubber band that holds her ponytail, the doorbell rings. A wave of terror shoots through me. Within a minute I have straightened the bed, tucked my lehenga away and changed into regular clothes. My sister just stands there, holding the broken rubber band and crying. She is six. I marvel at how hair stays put in the shape of a ponytail even without the band. That makes me laugh.

I wait for the bell to ring again. It does. I open the door very gingerly, fully prepared to say we were sleeping. I don’t have to. My clearly overjoyed grandfather stands there. He ordered us to go with him. Bhaiya hua hai. You have been blessed with a baby brother. He doesn’t give us enough time to change or wear our slippers. Soon we’re in the hospital, and my mom is embarrassed. One of her children is wearing a school shirt with a lehenga and has on her head the remnants of a ponytail. The other one is not wearing any footwear.

We demand to see the baby, but he’s been transferred to the nursery. It takes a lot of pleading (me) and fighting (my sister) with the nursery staff before we actually get to see him. And when we do, I can’t look away. He is pink and his skin is peeling off in places. My sister asks the staff, iska chhilka kyon utar raha hai? I laugh and the staff tells me to be quiet.

Once he is home, mom becomes obsessed with him. So do I. Knock before you enter the room and don’t talk so loudly become our standing instructions to my sister. We start buying nursery print bedsheets and curtains in the hopes that he would like the colors. I draw colorful things for him. I pay more attention in crafts class so I can make him stuffed toys.

Soon he’s crawling all over the house. Once, he hides behind a curtain as we frantically search the house for him. Dad finds out and blows his lid. He screams at mom and amid the chaos, I find him tucked behind the Mickey Mouse curtain, sucking on his thumb.

When he learns to babble, he starts calling me eeya. None of us knows why. He calls my sister didi, but I’m always eeya to him. It’s like we’re communicating in a language that’s ours alone, and I like that. As soon as he is old enough to run errands, my sister and I send him to the market to fetch us aam papad and anardana churan on the sly. If he isn’t caught smuggling, he gets 10% of the contraband.

When I’m bored, I make him wear a dresss and my sandals and perch him up on a table to dance to Rang bhare badal se. He complies. He is an obedient kid, and I think I’m a pretty good mom. Then one day, after I am married, he tells me he has a girlfriend. I don’t tell him this, but I feel like he’s slipping from my grasp. The husband doesn’t get it – isn’t this something to be happy about? I tell my him he can’t possibly understand and that it feels like I’m losing my child. No you aren’t, my ex-husband says. Some day he’s going to get married and have children, and you’ll still be his eeya.

That thought brought me back to the present moment.

I have to call Mister and tell him was suddenly the only thought in my head. Calmly, I dialed his number. The phone rang for the longest time, but he didn’t answer, so I called again.

He answered the phone, and I started fumbling because I didn’t know how to say it.

Hey baby, can I call you back? I’m in a meeting.

Sure, I said, relieved. I sent him a text instead.

It’s a positive. We’re going to be parents.

Should I have broken the news to him (and to you) differently? How would you do it? 

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anawnimiss

Blogger. Crazy bitch. Stalkee. Weirdo magnet. Wannabe housewife. Corporate Slave. Find me at anawnimiss.wordpress.com!

65 thoughts on “of life, changes, and fears”

  1. Yesssss!!!!! My heartfelt congratulations, Anawni!!! I am so happy! OMG, this post just made my day! I am sooo very happy for you!!! I am having goose bumps all over. It is funny, we don’t actually know each other but it feels just wonderful. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congratulations Ana ! I m sure baby-news brings overwhelming joy which ever way it is delivered! Oh, i can only imagine what went throughyour husband’s mind when he read your text !! Here’s to you having a ball of a time parenting !:) Cheers(the teetotaler kind)!

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    1. Thank you! Being a teetotaler sucks, but I guess I’ll get used to it!
      Btw, my phone rang the very next moment and he refused to believe me at first. I had to actually send him a picture of the pee-test! :

      Liked by 3 people

      1. i have to say , you husband is pretty reasonable ! My man would rush home nd ask me to take the test again in his presence 🙂 ! About not drinking , i m very sure that wouldn’t be the toughest part of motherhood .:) So happy for you !Hugs !

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    1. And if I couldn’t have talked to hubby I would have texted too. Ahhh…life in the cellular phone age. Used to be you would have to go to his work or wait til they got home. Good News can travel even faster now.

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      1. Thanks Pavanne!
        I think technology is what ruined it for me. Even though he called me immediately, I missed seeing the look on his face when I told him. But the hug later at home told me everything!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Congratulations Anawnimiss!! 🙂 M so happy for you both ❤
    And any which way u convey the good news – it is always going to make everyone smile (look at me – a big grin – even if we haven't met!)

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  4. Congratulations!! What a wonderful time in your life this will be.
    I know its sounds clichéd but enjoy and be happy.
    post pics of your growing belly 🙂 as your pregnancy progresses.

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  5. Hi, Anawnimiss! Congratulations! I don’t know why but I do have this gut feeling that you’ll make a great mother. 🙂 Stay blessed 🙂

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          1. Oh stop being such a worry wart. You’re going to be fine! You’ll enjoy it all! The bad doesn’t last long. Trust me. And with such a nice partner as Anawnimister, I’m sure you guys are going to be awesome parents together! 🙂

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  6. Hey, there, anawnimiss. I’ve been stalking your blog for a while now. I’m one of those crazy types who starts at the beginning and goes through every single post on a blog they like. I did that with yours, and often thought of commenting, but felt awkward or lazy and didn’t do it. This, however, is a great news, and a opportunity to say ‘hi’ and ‘congratulations’ and that I enjoy reading you here and in your comments on IHM, which is where I found you first. 🙂 So there. Wishing you a lots of fun and laughter and moments of bliss during your pregnancy and later too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Pallavi! This post has brought out so many people from behind the curtains that it’s making me squeal with joy! So happy at the prospect of finally getting to know you personally, and not just as a number on my “follower” list.
      I hope you’ll stick around now that you’re out in the open!

      Like

  7. WordPress gobbled up my comment. Twice. Hence posting again…
    Of course, I’ll stick around. I refreshed this page obsessively for a few days after your ‘blue jeans’ post, but didn’t find any updates. Then I began wondering whether you got busy getting pregnant 😉
    Then, I got busy and forgot to visit here for a few days, and now look… 3 shiny new posts… off to reading the rest!

    Liked by 1 person

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