It’s strange how the sight of a blue-white hawaii chappal under a teakwood dining table can break your heart and mend your life all at once.
A quaint little Sarojini Nagar house on the ground floor with a big-ass teakwood dining table and yellowish-white curtains. A seven-year old version of you lying on the floor, naked. A fain memory of your cousin’s weight on your body. Your eye focused on the blue-white hawaii chappal under the dining table.
The confusion after, the breathlessness, the horror of it all. No wonder your seven-year old brain blocks it out.
Years later, the memory just comes flooding back on a lazy Sunday morning as you’re sipping chai that your cousin just brought you and your eye wanders to a hawaii chappal under the dining table. That dining table.
And what do you do? Start blogging about it. Anonymously.
The chai just sits there in the mug long after you’ve left.
Anawnimiss 
interesting read! i am almost as old as you and have so much i would like to say and to share but something stops me.. maybe its what we have always been taught to do- hide our true feelings. it takes guts to break the chains and conquer one’s own mind blocks. And that’s why, Congratulations! you go, girl! Break Freeeeeee! one life!
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Wow! Writing is great therapy as is crying. I had a similar block out that I remembered when I was eleven. It was my babysitter’s father and I was four. Nasty thing to remember and changes who you are forever. Bless you in your healing.
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Thank you, Easter. Your support is really encouraging, as is the fact that there are other people out there with similar experiences. It surely helps to talk about it.
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Yes, and the beauty is, you can be anawnimiss, as you like. You may be inspired later to start other blogs that are not focused on healing. In the meantime, bless you in your journey and If you ever need a prayer or have a question, feel free to ask.
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I think my healing began the moment I acknowledged the fact that I was abused as a child. I never felt the need to start a healing blog. Instead, my blog was going to be about the bitter truth. All my transgressions and bad decisions in one place, for the world to see. I hope that some day I’ll be able to say “I did this”, not as Anawnimiss, but as the person I really am. It seems far away, but I definitely see that happening. When that does happen, I guess I’ll have healed completely. You know what I mean?
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Yes, I do, the healing comes with the release of the pain.. when the pain is not as sharp, we are more able to face our identity as our own selves and not as the “one who was abused”.
Telling the truth is a great reason to write, but there is the gift of healing that just naturally parallels alongside of it. 🙂
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You put it across perfectly!
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🙂
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So brave of you to post such a personal post and obviously painful post. Good luck in your lie and blogging, I look forward to reading more of your posts
sass x
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Thanks a lot Sass. Appreciate you reading and commenting. It’s actually great to make your acquaintance. I see that you do two of my favorite things (things I wish I could do) really well: sketching and baking. Just thought you should know 🙂
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I went through similar exprerience not once but several times and that completely evolved me as a person , quiet,aloof ,scared of people…as I never cried and as @Easter rightly said writing is a great therepy it helps..it helped me too …I am writing a book on my experience which is due for release as soon as I find the right publisher.
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Good luck in your search. Hoping to read your book when it comes out 🙂
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That was painful to read – but amazing. Congratulations on getting it said and realising your truth. X
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I was about to Write What the Fuck and move away , I came back here Again and re read and then thought of the pain you might have felt even when you were writing this.
This is BullShit. This is Insane.This is Not Human.Rape at that age is just unbearable for me.If I was a girl I would have been a murderer.But It takes courage and I guess you have that.
On the writing part , I guess you should have been a poet.
I read some of your posts and though you were a guy and then I Surfed through the other ones , I started as an erotica writer and a poet and the moved towards the monetizing stuff.But if this is your first post and you can write such smoothly I would be forced to come back here and Read.
and No , I am not treating anyone as a sympathy sucker , I am applauding a writer .
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OMG ana, I am so sorry you ahd to go through this I am so sorry that as I type some 5 , 6 or 7 year old is being raped. Takes a lot of courage writing what you did. More Power to you.
you go Girl! Shame on that cousin! Does he know u remember? How old was he?
why did you not tell your parents from having read about how your dad adored you, I am sure Shit would have hit the fan. I think we as women have been conditioend in being shamed. Instead of
I applaud you in having the courage to talk about it. Hugs!
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Ariana, as a society we only blame the victim, and every girl in India thinks that being molested is basically her fault. I did not speak up then because I felt like I had done something really wrong.
I finally told my mother last year. She is still in denial about it!
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Why denial? and
Still denial?
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Yes. She doesn’t want to believe this happened because the truth is inconvenient. Therefore she clings to the possibility that my young mind misunderstood what happened.
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I hope I am not flooding you my comments. Specially when you could be occupied with the kid.
This must be more painful then the incident I think that one’s own mother refuses to trust feeling of her off spring. Tragic & Unfortunate
I have more to say and probably share but I am yet not sure about the platform and the time. May be some day.
Best Wishes!
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Of course your comments are welcome! As for the platform, you could write here without fear of judgment – the readers of this blog are wonderful people.
Should there be something you’d like to talk about that you’d rather not share in public, you could write to me at anawnimiss@gmail.com, and we could take this conversation “outside”! 🙂
Yes, it
wasis harder when you’re not believed. I’ve moved past it and forgiven her. She doesn’t know any better.LikeLike
Thank you, I will write.
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I could not push the like button. What a horrible experience one must have. I was wondering why you use so much F and S word, now I understand what you have gone through.
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Indiraji, it was a horrifying experience. But the reason why I use swear words is coz that comes naturallly to me, just like any other person my age.
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I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you. Sorry isn’t powerful enough, though. Your childhood was robbed from you, any the prism from which you view life was changed. Big hugs sent your way.
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Thanks Rob. Hugs are what I need 🙂
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❤
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Tears. Melted salt brimming out of my eye sockets. Finding escape down my throat. I cannot taste it but I feel its saltiness. This upsets my stomach. And makes my fingers clammy as I type now. How this liquid salt has traveled all over me while I read your words. Thank you
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Thank you for reading and responding.
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And I read your first blog post and some memories brought in….we live in real hard times….
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Hi Ana, It’s sad to know what you had to go through. Sad is too small word to describe this atrocity; it’s simply horrific. I’m wondering what the so-called Indian cultural enthusiasts would say about such incidents. It’s evident from the post that you visited the same place and people responsible for this. It’s impossible to take any legal action against the offenders after such a long time but why not completely flush out those evil (in)humans from your life?
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I spent some of my childhood in that Sarojini Nagar area and I could visualize the surroundings while reading your post.. My insides wrinkled after reading that. It is really sad.
*Hugs*
I hopped here from @MadeToMis.. page and I normally don’t comment ( I am the silent stalker types) read a few posts and landed here. I hope all is well in your world.
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It was a long time ago, SA, and I decided that the best thing I could do for myself was do what I wanted with the rest of my life and not feel apologetic about it. This also taught me that I need to be fiercely protective of my baby when he/she is born. I also learned to forgive the perpetrators. They didn’t know any better.
But mostly, I learned to believe in the power of hugs. Thank you for the one you sent my way.
Things are close to perfect in my world right now, and I’m glad I met you.
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I am very happy for you! Really glad that I found this page.. 🙂
My fingers are crossed for you.
P.S: I hated my time in Sarojini Nagar but now when I look back I keep thinking about those well planned squares, blocks, wide roads and how symmetrical everything was there..!
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