of delusions

You know how I forgot my car keys in the ex husband’s camera bag.

He came to drop off the car keys today. He was being really sweet, but I suspected that he was rather miffed at having to come to my office all the way just to drop off my car keys. It’s no problem at all, he said. At least I got to meet you again.

Although I know he hates detours and was just being polite, he didn’t seem upset at all. I almost felt indebted to him. *SULK ROUTE ALERT*

That got me thinking about old times, and in how all the years I was married to him, but I thought I didn’t know what I’d do if he ever left me, so I hid it all. I kept a smile plastered on my face, but if he were to check inside, he’d find hundreds of thousands of boxes labeled resentment, anger, despair, and derision — but you could never guess just by looking at me. He didn’t even know they existed.  I resented him for not being there. I was angry with him for not standing up for me in front of his parents. When I finally showed him my scars he couldn’t handle it. All these years you said nothing, and now it’s like I’m the worst husband ever! I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe we should take a break for a while.

I always maintained that our marriage fell apart because he didn’t love me enough to fight for me. But he was right. I learned something nice from him and twisted it to a disturbing degree. I never said things out loud, even when I should have!  I was afraid he would leave me, which is ironic, because in the end I was the one who left.

But then again, maybe it’s only natural for a marriage that started with a delusion to end with one.