of a handful of wasted seamen

Ok, I’ll give you a minute to stop laughing.

It was Mister’s birthday on Sunday, and you can blame my recent inactivity on the blog on that.

So here’s what I was up to all of last week.

Monday, T minus 5

I spent the day at work completely and utterly distracted because I had a party to plan. I spent the day googling ‘adult party themes’ and ’10 best surprise parties’. Discovered a kickass party planning website. Then realized that they had an adult costumes section. Then I walked into a meeting room, took the laptop off the company wifi and hooked up my own 3G network (the one on the phone) and browsed to my heart’s content. Just kidding. Or maybe not. You’ll never know.

At 8 pm, someone may or may not have knocked and asked if I needed the room much longer; they had a call starting. Then I may have mouthed a few curses at clients in the EST zone and packed bags and left for home.

I definitely spent the night listless thinking of the things I needed to do:

• Decide theme
• Buy decorations
• Invite Guests
  • Giggles
  • Fartsypants
  • Booyarang
  • The Ex
  • At least 3-4 other people or this party sucks already
• Get Booze
  • Delegate to Fartsypants
• Decide menu
  • Depends on guest list and theme, but delegate to cook

 

Tuesday, T minus 4

Overworked from not doing anything productive substantial work-related at all on Monday, I walked in to office determined to get work out of the way before I started my party planning. Then I worked for two hours straight. Next, I called Giggles to work out the guest list. We came up with three new names and then Giggles mentioned an alleged love triangle. We ended up spending an hour bitching about the three of them. Knocked all three off the list. Back to square one.

I went home thinking: Holy Frankenfuck, I only have three days to plan. Let’s invite all the people we have met recently and had a good time with, regardless of whether or not I like them and of whether or not they like each other.

And guess what! My guest list immediately shot up to 14 people. Awesomesauce. I was making solid progress.

 

Wednesday, T minus 3

Here’s what happened on a conference call with Mister’s latest ex wife (there are two) and Giggles.

Me: Okay. There’s a theme. Boardrooms and boxers. People wear formals from the waist up and boxers from the waist down.

Ex: Bitch please. you’re thinking of asking people to wear shirts and underwear to your party?

Giggles: (giggling) This won’t work. Can’t believe it was you who came up with this!

Me: Bollywood?

Giggles: (giggles)

Ex: NO!

Again. Fucking back to fucking square one.

Except I managed to make phone calls to all invitees. And I had a migraine attack at night from all the thinking.

 

Thursday, T minus 2

I woke up in the middle of a panic attack and turned into a theme tyrant. I called everyone and declared we were all going to be pirates. I announced the theme to all the guests and they sounded exhilarated. See for yourself.

Giggles: WTF? Pirates? I don’t have any piratesy clothes!

Fartsypants: Look, I will participate, but you know how others are. Maybe you should go back to the boxers thing. I would love.. uh I mean other people would be more comfortable with that theme you know! Not saying it coz I don’t want to. I love the theme. Seriously. You’re a genius. You’re totally planning my birthday party. But boxers…

Ex: What? You changed the theme again? I thought we were doing bollywood! I even had my Zeenat Aman clothes all picked out! What are you doing woman, make up your mind!

Guest 1 (who later posted pics with a beer mug and Guests 2 & 3 in Gurgaon): Hey, it looks like I’m working this weekend. Sorry! 

Guest 2: Umm.. Pirates. Uh.. cool. Ummm.. I’ll be there. I guess.

Guest 3: *silence for three seconds* hello? hello? <click>

Others: Umm.. pirates, wow! That’s exciting! See you there!

I decide the menu and promptly pass it along to the cook who assures me nothing will go wrong. I still don’t know how I’m going to surprise Mister seeing as he lives in and leaves the house with me.

I call Giggles frantically and she isn’t answering. It can’t be the theme!

Another migraine attack on the way back. Awesome. 

 

Friday, T minus 1

As soon as the headache recedes a little bit, I start working (12:30 am, technically Friday) so I can finish work by the time shops open up. I fall asleep at 9 and wake up at noon. By 1:00 pm, I’m in my car, out shopping. In the next, most productive hour of my life, I manage to buy some decoration pieces for the theme. Mister called and I almost gave my location away. Almost.

That having been done, I start calling Giggles and to my relief, she answers this time. It wasn’t the theme, she swears. I’m panicking and am almost in tears. The party is tomorrow, and all I have is a list of names and a bunch of danglers and a stupid hook. I can’t even find a fucking eyepatch. What am I going to do, Giggles?

She promises to come over and help out at night. I love this girl.

Anyway, we meet at CP in the evening and pick up some clothes for Giggles to wear because she has nothing piratesy. And no, we didn’t buy anything even remotely piratesy. It’s more genie in a bottle but she wore it anyway.

We get home at 8, and Mister was expected back at 9. I was in the middle of another panic attack coz we didn’t have a plan. Mom offered to hide Giggles in her room for the night, so Mister wouldn’t realize something’s up. Yeah, she is awesome.

At 9, we were in the middle of a back-to-school arts & crafts session when my phone rang. It was Mister. Don’t wait up honey. It might even be midnight by the time I get back.

More time. Giggles and I hi-fived and then promptly went back to work.

Then we hi-fived several times during the night because Mister was really really stuck. Or having an affair.

I didn’t care at the time because that gave us enough time to make a lot of assorted decoration pieces and the following pirate names.

Mister is Captain Washdat Skunkbeard, I am First Mate Penne Pastafarian, and mom, the QuarterMaster is Mama McFeederson. We decide to call Giggles Stowaway Sally because, you know!

Others are to pick their names from a barrel:

• Wok D. Plank
• Iva Gott Scurvey
• Black John Licorice
• Speel’r Gutt
• Auf’n McDrool
• Morgan Moonscar
• Jacob Rip-Rap
• Peg-leg Hastings
• Ishmael Squint
• Tyred Seacrest
• Dirty Bess Rackham
• Seas crew LT
• Barbary Dragon
• Crimson crook
• Roving Eye Moody
• Gunpowder Gertie
• Sea Rious
• Sir Lunchalot
• Fred D’bait Able
• Noprop Lame

Yeah, I know. We only had 10 off guests but it was fun so we didn’t know where to stop.

We also thought of a lot of names for our ship, like Rogue Wave, Nauti Buoy, Sea Nile, and Aquacadabra, but then we ditched those and decided to go with The Wasted Seamen.

*wink wink*

We still had logistics to take care of, because we couldn’t tell Mister Giggles was in the house, so we decided:

• In the morning, I would keep Mister in bed as long as I could. Giggles said I should ‘take one for the team’ if need be. Thankfully mom didn’t get the joke.
• Giggles would wake up early for ablutions etc. and while she’s out and about, mom would lock our bedroom from the outside. If Mister woke up, we would tell him that Sugar, our dog, was constantly barking and mom was afraid I’d have another migraine attack.
• Mom and I would take Mister out to the prayer meeting and Giggles would come out of hiding to do the whole elves decorated the house thing.
• When we returned in the afternoon, Mister would be the last to enter, so I could record his expression as he walked into a piratesy house.
• We would then give Mister enough time to work out his own costume for the party.

After we had laid out all rules and gone over the plan a hundred times, Mister came home. I pretended to have been asleep and he didn’t even notice anything unusual!

Giggles and I did a mental hi-5 that night.

 

Saturday, T minus 0

Mister woke up and realized the door was locked from the outside. Mom tucked Giggles away in her room under a heap of clothes and opened our door very nonchalantly. She supplied the story but with great discomfort. She’s not a good liar. But thankfully Mister was too groggy and full of pee to bother.

He kept wanting to walk around in the house and Giggles needed to use the loo, so I took one for the team. That put him in a good mood for the rest of the day.

After we returned from the prayer meeting, Mama McFeederson called Stowaway Sally and said something completely nonsensical, but she understood.

I walked in after Mom, followed by Mister.

And I was just as surprised as he was. The room was transformed. It was way, way better than I had ever expected. Giggles had taken it upon herself to rearrange everything, including the furniture.

more pictures here

Mister literally had tears in his eyes. Rose tattoo played in the background as he and Giggles and I hugged each other and mom watched from the background.

Yes, we had a pretty successful pirate party and we had at least eleven wasted seamen rolling on the floor, and yes, they were a handful.

But the party and the rest of the weekend pales in comparison to this moment when I think about it.

Have you ever thrown someone a surprise party? What do you love/hate about theme parties? Ever had a friend like Giggles who would come up with make-believe official trips so they can be there for you when you need them?