Yes, I’m getting a shit machine

Look, he said. I yawned. It was six in the morning, and he had dragged me out of bed to walk along the shoreline at Arambol. He had been showing me (a) women with skateboard abs, (b) people doing yoga, and (c) women with skateboard abs doing yoga all week, and I couldn’t care less.

Until I realized he was pointing at a woman and her four (or five) year old boy doing yoga in matching white kurtas. Look – she’s teaching him Surya Namaskar.

The boy lifted his hands up at the count of one and bent to touch his feet at two. By three, he had collapsed into a heap on the ground. She frowned, pushing her left leg back and resting her knee on the ground. He sat up straight, mischief shining through his dark brown eyes, and tittered. She ignored him and pulled her right leg back, laying it to rest with the left, gently exhaling. The boy bit her on the heel, making her slip and fall. And then it happened. She glared, reached for him, and then tickled him till my bones started to hurt.

God! If my kid did that I’d probably not be able to bite back the anger. I’d probably hang him upside down till he learned his lesson.

You’re just saying that.

No, really. I don’t think I’m capable of being that tender – I think I’d be a terrible mom. I realize how filmi I sound, but it’s true.

Yes, you sound extremely filmi.

You’d probably be the good guy, because you’re a calm, rational person, and your parents really loved you. Me, I’d be aggressive, just like my parents. It’s hard for me to bite back my anger.

There’s only one way to find out. Let’s get us one of those babies and see how it goes.

I wanted to say, a baby? A boob-sucking, screaming, vagina-rending shit machine? Are you fucking kidding me? But that one was probably rude, so I had to be content with a stare and a shut up. 

He did. We just sat in silence and watched the woman teach her son the Bhujangasana pose, but we knew we had made our decision.

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45 thoughts on “Yes, I’m getting a shit machine”

  1. Ha! You used to be one of those shit-machines Ana. You know, what goes around, comes around. Sounds like a life-changing decision – congratulations. You’ll be a great Mom. 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Pretty much everyone is scared about having kids. I remember one time as a young, single woman with only a dog living with me (but I was dating the man who would later become my husband). The dog did something bad – stole a sock or ate a book or something – and I couldn’t get the dog to behave. I broke down in tears, thinking “If I can’t even control a dog, how will I have raise a child?”

    But things have a way of working out – somehow I managed to raise my three girls successfully. (And I had that dog for 13 years, and he turned into an angel.)

    You’ll be fine. Good luck.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I feel great knowing that I’m not the only one who went through the dog-child comparison phase!

      I had a dog once, and he was suicidal. He jumped off the second floor balcony in the middle of the night (because I left the door open) and broke his legs. Then about a year later, he did it again. And my ex and I went crazy thinking we would never be able to handle a baby. That was pretty much our excuse for the next four years of marriage. In fact, when we were separated, he told me he always thought I’d be a crappy mother. I believed him.

      But now, I think I’m finally ready to get over that, and it helps to know that things get better in the future!


  3. Just so you know, my insides are all squishy and filled with red hearts. You’ll be a fantastic mom! I feel it in my bones.
    One of my favorite sayings is, “Behind every great kid is a mom who thinks she’s royally messing him/her up.”
    I mess my kids up every day and they have the grace to forgive and provide second chances.
    You’ll be awesome!! xo


    1. Thanks Michelle! You’re my favorite mama, and you know that! 🙂
      Btw, I always thought the reverse was true – Behind every messed up kid is a mom who think she’s doing a great job of raising him/her. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Go for it and good luck, you will love being a mother. yes, the first 2 years, you will be worn out, believe me, I have been there and done that twice! Still, at the end of the day when you look at your baby’s gummy smile, you will forget every goddamn thing. I am sure you will be a kickass mom and will rock big time. I love your ideals and the way you express your views, your child will be lucky to have you as his/her mom..


    1. Thank you Deepa! I really hope that I will be able to pass on some of my principles to her/him – I really really want to raise a good human being. ❤
      Note that I used the singular form – I don’t think I’ll be able to survive two children 😉

      And I believe you about the bit about the baby’s smile – I have been told that moms feel that way. I have experienced that feeling first hand with Mister’s daughter – I go all fuzzy inside when I see her laugh and point at random things. She’s beautiful!

      How old are your kids now?


        1. Wow, a boy and a girl! At this point I’m really tempted to ask the “who’s easier to manage” question but I’ll shut up about that and ask something else that has been on my mind for years.
          I grew up wanting an older brother and had a very filmy expectation that he’d somehow save me from the evil in the world. Is your son (if he’s the one who’s 11) protective of his sister?


    1. Ha ha.. it still feels strange when I try to imagine having someone to look after 24×7 for the rest of my life. I wish raising a kid were as simple as making the decision, though!


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