of epiphanies

So where were we? Talking about the things people do when they’re drunk, which was really fun, but I have to tell you what happened on day two.

After a night of trying to escape a drunk and horny manager and subsequent hiding in my room, I took a long, leisurely bath. My roomie sat outside, reading a book and never saying a word. After a while I heard her yell goodbye and step out, but I couldn’t care less. I felt comforted by the warmth of the water around me. Eventually, I dozed off in the tub for a while and only woke up when I realized the water was getting cold.

I had barely stepped out of the shower and draped my snug yellow bathrobe around my body when I heard my neighbors scream like they were being murdered. I paused for a moment, wondering if I should change into something decent first, but then I heard more screams, so I ran out towards their room.

The door was slightly ajar, and the girls were still screaming. Adrenaline pumping and my heart thumping like nobody’s business, I pushed the door open and it hit the wall with a loud thud. I couldn’t believe what I saw. The not-really-girls, aged 27, 29, and 37 were doing this. Together.

The moment they saw me, the shrieked and jumped and clapped with excitement and invited me to join them. I took one look at the hot mess their room was, and another look at what I was wearing, and politely declined the offer, though I did laugh a little at the ridiculousness of my fears.

Once they had calmed the fuck down, they told me that they had discovered that the washroom door was kinda transparent, despite the smoked glass. When I didn’t believe them, one of them went inside, shut the door, and switched the light on. They were right. You could see EVERYTHING.

Apparently, 37 had been the first to shower, and as soon as she went inside and took off her clothes, the other two started hooting. So 37 did a slow-mo dance for them. I went from pics or it didn’t happen to fuck me in both eyes in 30 seconds flat.

Then they decided they wanted to see me behind the smoked glass, which was obviously not going to happen.

Not in this life. I backed up and stepped behind the walls I have built around me especially for times like these.

What are you shy about? You have a great body!

Yeah, I know, but I’m not stripping for you. To be honest I was a little flattered, and I’m sure they could see it. I’m bad at feigning modesty, I told you that.

You need to loosen up a little. You need to get drunk. Which was true, so I picked up the bottle of vodka we had bought for the evening, and took a big gulp. It was 9:30 am, and I was drinking already. Loosening up.

They cheered and clapped and put on crappy Punjabi music, and started dancing. I followed suit, albeit a little awkwardly.

An hour later, I was sitting on top of 27, who is a non-drinker, holding her down, while the other two poured neat alcohol into her mouth. We had dragged her down from the bed, with her blanket and she was now lying on the floor, enjoying being the center of attention, and didn’t seem to mind that my bathrobe was falling apart and she could nearly see my breasts. Loosening up. The walls were slowly crumbling, and I didn’t mind.

The rest of the day passed quickly. In the evening, there was another dance party planned, so I changed out of my pajamas and into a black dress and my red & black converse shoes (which didn’t go with the dress but it’s not like the people in my office are very fashionable).

Later the girls told  me that when I was changing, one of the curtains was slightly open, and they saw me naked.  So much for not wanting to strip for them. The walls had broken down completely.

I felt exposed, but kinda saw it as a blessing in disguise. There are two over-familiar women in my office who have pinched me in the stomach at least twice (each), which I suspect has something to do with wanting to check if I wear shapewear to tuck my stomach in. I don’t. And now I have three people who can vouch for that. (Yeah, pinching is juvenile and I’m not even on such friendly terms with anyone,  and they could just have asked me, but let’s not dwell on that right now.

Anyway. I went to the party feeling pretty and high, and danced all night. Some people I know gathered around me, trying to dance with me but I kept dancing like they weren’t there. Ha! I had to be super drunk to remember how much I love dancing alone. The men stared at me, including the creepy senior management guy, but they dared not approach me, and I didn’t care.  I was building that wall back up, brick by brick.

Which brought me to the realization that I’m done trying to be part of the crowd, coz I’m really not. I like my walls. They keep me safe, and I hate being exposed. I don’t really want to fit in, and that’s why I never really try with my whole heart. I am a recluse, and I am finally okay with that. I am different, I am better, and I am immodest, and it doesn’t fucking matter whether people like me as long as I am happy.

What about you? Do you like to be part of the excitement or happy watching from afar? Have you ever tried hard to fit in? What has your biggest moment of epiphany been so far?