Mister’s moved to Bangalore for the next three months, and I feel like my whole life is changing, which is funny, because I always thought that there were only two things that I would consider life-changing experiences: marrying again and being alive during a zombie apocalypse.
I was completely wrong on the first count. (The other remains to be seen, but I think someone stuck in a zombie apocalypse might need to be able to at least
use hold lift tools and have some hand-eye coordination.)
When I married Mister, nothing changed. I am exactly who I was before I married him (which he jokes about often because I still have my ex-husband’s last name). I eat all the same stuff, I wear all the same stuff, I say the exact same things (such as – I do not recommend marriage to anybody even though it works for me because let’s face it, my life is exceptional).
Yet here I am, feeling like my life has changed overnight.
It’s not like we haven’t ever been apart before. He has been away on business a couple of times, and so have I. But there was always the knowledge that it was going to be a temporary separation – at most a week.
But this time, according to his boss his trip might get extended to four months, and I am unable to cope with that might.
After I saw him off at the airport yesterday, I drove back feeling like I was the only zombie in a zombie apocalypse. People were honking, cursing, overtaking – while I was just sulking and mechanically moving my feet on the holy Accelerator-Brake-Clutch trinity.
I spent most of the evening alone, locked up in my room, trying to tune out the silence. Next to me lay an unopened Canon 600D package that had been delivered in the morning, something I had been excited about for weeks, but I couldn’t even get myself to open it.
After a while I turned to the only thing that helped deal with the loneliness and the silence when I was married to my ex-husband – Heroes. it used to make me want to be more – it made me feel like maybe there was some purpose to my life after all. It chased the silence away.
So I put on the first episode, hoping that it would make me feel better, but I could comprehend nothing. And the silence was still there. Had Mister been home, he’d be watching it with me, his head in my lap. And there would’ve been quips about how Mohinder is a Punjabi name but the character seems South Indian. He would’ve found at least one fault with every single character.
I lost track. Then I decided to write. I sat for a while with the New Post page up on my screen, and my finger poised mid-air for the longest time. I couldn’t even write!
I just kept nibbling on whatever I could find and waiting for Mister’s flight to land so I could hear his voice again.
When he finally called, the distant-ness of his voice left me feeling worse than before. I just wanted to hang up. Has that ever happened to you? When you know something is inevitable, do you wish it would happen sooner rather than later?
Today, I’m at work, feeling like I’m socially and emotionally crippled. I am snapping at everything that moves and dropping/slamming/throwing everything that doesn’t.
I generally am an advocate of things can only get better from here, but today I just can’t see the silver lining – just a really dark cloud looming over my head. It feels like one of my body parts is missing and I can’t do a damn thing about it.
Have you ever felt this way about someone? Do changes ever make you feel like your whole life has come to a standstill? Do you think I’m crazy and completely overreacting? Is it unnatural for me to feel this way?